Famine – pestilence – war – death are the four riders in the Book of Revelation, and each by its own right is both the cause and the consequence of itself and of each other. Famine causes pestilence, and pestilence famine, both also bring about war, which leads to death. The world is already familiar with these four riders and is always in danger of confronting them again, and in the process, runs the risk of self-destruction.
Marshall Rosenberg proposes a nonviolent or compassionate process as an alternative. An alternative to the matrix of violence upon which our way of living and thinking, and the relationships that we establish are all based on.
Famine, pestilence, war and death are the four riders of violence that lead to apocalypse. Observation, feelings, needs and requests are the four alternative riders that will make violence obsolete and steer the world into a future of harmony and peace among all human beings.
Observations
It is about describing reality as objectively as possible as my five senses capture it: what I see, what I hear, what I smell and taste, and what I touch without judging, criticizing, evaluating or interpreting. For example, instead of telling someone “You are rude”, which would place us on a collision course with that person and make any further meaningful communication difficult, we can say, “When you arrived I did not hear you say ‘good morning’”. Similarly, if we had said, “When you arrived you did not say ‘good morning’”, it would have also created problem as we are making a judgment because the person may have said it but we did not hear it.
Because someone killed a dog our tendency is to call him a dog killer for the rest of his life; we judge a person on a single act. Criticism, evaluation, judgment and interpretation block communication because they are almost always unjust and the person feels constrained, put aside, and imprisoned by the label we pin on him, we do not let him be himself, nor let him progress. We cease to relate with the person he truly is and instead relate with the image that we made of him; an image that more or less can serve our petty objective, but not that of a genuine and healthy communication. This is the way to make an enemy not a friend.
Generally it is very difficult for most of us to make an objective observation, plain with no frills, because for the most part we project into our observation our own interest, envy, hatred or on the contrary, our praise of the action that we observe. This is how the world has functioned, therefore to speak in another way is very truly a Copernican revolution.
Observation devoid of criticism, evaluation, judgment, and interpretation is dynamic because it remains open-ended. By mixing our observation with an evaluation or interpretation, the observed, that is, the person in action loses his/her dynamism and become closed, unmoving, and static like what is observed in a photograph. This is why NVC avoids the verb to Be and uses action verbs instead.
Feelings
After observing without analysing, and without declaring that so and so is right or wrong, good or bad, the next step is to connect with our feelings by fleeing from thoughts, because thoughts are almost always biased and addicted to evaluating and interpreting in order to criticize and judge at a later time. Feelings tell more about ourselves than our thoughts. If I cannot first connect with myself then I will hardly be able to connect with others.
Feelings represent our emotional experiences and physical sensations associated with our needs, whether met or unmet. As we will see later when speaking about needs, feelings are to needs what smoke is to fire. Any feeling or emotion felt speaks to us of a need that either has been fulfilled or remains unfulfilled.
Our objective in this step is to identify, name and connect with our feelings. Thoughts, therefore, must be self-reflective, diverted from the other and placed at the service of our feelings by helping us interpret and identify them.
After interpreting what is in our hearts, we can, and should, express our feelings by avoiding the trap and self-deception of making others responsible for them. The expression “I feel alone” is a genuine expression of an inner sense of loneliness. But if I say “I feel you don’t love me”, this on the other hand is an illegitimate attempt to describe and interpret someone else’s feelings, together with an implicit accusation.
We should express our feelings by taking full responsibility for our own experience; this helps others to hear what is important to us, without feeling criticized or accused, and in this way, increase the likelihood that their response will be empathic and thus satisfying everyone’s need.
Needs
The third element of the Nonviolent Communication is the necessity to be intrinsically connected to the previous element. When a feeling comes to our consciousness, we must know that it is only the messenger, sent by our human nature to alert us of a need that is or is not being met. For this reason, what must be done immediately is to find out what that need is and assume responsibility for it.
Once again when we become aware of our feelings, our tendency is not to assume responsibility for them, accusing others for making us feel this or that way. The actions of others may have triggered our feelings, but we make a serious error, deviating from Nonviolent Communication, if we think that others have caused those feelings. The only cause of our feelings is the fulfillment of our needs or lack of it.
When we succeed in connecting with our perfectly identified needs, we have taken an important step in the Nonviolent Communication process which is the avoidance of assigning blame to others or to ourselves. The genuine expression of our needs creates a very likely opportunity for the other person to feel empathy and contribute to meeting our needs.
Needs are universal; all human beings have the same needs because they come from something that is transversal to all human beings, in all times and places. This is why our human nature remains unchanged throughout the ages and across the different cultures of the peoples who live in this planet.
In the context of the Nonviolent Communication, as Rosenberg likes to say, our needs are a reflection of what is most alive in us, that is, what is the most central and important to us, our deepest desires.
Understanding, identifying and connecting with our needs help us to improve our relationship with ourselves and foster a greater perception of others, and in this way, increase exponentially the likelihood that necessary actions are taken so that the needs of all are met.
Nonviolent Communication always leads to a win-win situation, in other words, to a final result that is beneficial to all parties involved; everyone wins, and no one loses.
Requests
We human beings are not like islands; we have an individual dimension by which we are unique, unrepeatable and indivisible, free and independent, but we also have a social dimension by which we are always part of a family, a group, an institution, a country. Because this is our nature, the fulfillment of many, if not all, of our individual needs involve, in some way, others in the process.
After attention has been given to the awareness and consciousness of our needs, the next step is to think of a strategy, a plan of action that in our opinion will lead to the fulfillment of these needs, and as there are people who may be involved, we need to make sure that they are willing to participate in the strategy that we have outlined to meet our needs. Since all human beings live on an equal plane with one another, before getting to the formulation of a request we must also be certain of whether or not empathy exists in the other person. The affective is effective while the non-affective is ineffective.
What we make are petitions or requests and not demands, orders or requisitions. Between these two lies a very fine dividing line. A lot depends on the words we choose when formulating the petition and also the tone of voice used as appropriate words can be expressed in an inadequate tone of voice, which in the other person’s ears may sound like a demand or order. Many times, however, we only know if we gave an order or made a request by the other person’s response.
We should be prepared to hear a ‘no’ to our request. A ‘no’ to an order has punitive consequences; a ‘no’ to a request should not intimidate, unbalance or discourage us, but rather be the reason to have a deeper dialogue with the other person. We should be able to recognize that a ‘no’ is an expression of a need that hampers the other person from saying ‘yes’.
In order to increase the likelihood that our request is met favourably by the other, it must be clear, concrete and non-generic with regards to the time and action to be taken, that is, it needs to be realistic and achievable. For example, “I wish you were always on time” is not feasible and may sound like a demand; on the other hand, “Would you be willing to spend 15 minutes with me to talk about what might help you to get to our meetings by 9:00 o’clock?” is achievable.
If someone accepts our request out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, or a desire for reward, then the quality of the relationship and trust between them is compromised. Sooner or later both will pay for this violent acceptance, because it fundamentally creates a creditor and a debtor relationship. In the nonviolent language no one humbles himself and no one exalts himself; no one loses and no one wins; no one asks for favors and no one does any favors.
The process of the Nonviolent Communication
Speaking – Nonviolent Communication works at the level of the mouth, in what we say and how we say it. In this case we must honestly express our observations with accuracy, then our feelings and our needs, and based on these three, our request. The Nonviolent Communication helps me discover and interpret what is alive in me, what is happening with me, in order to better communicate with myself, in natural giving, compassion and empathy.
Hearing – Nonviolent Communication is not only done by what I express from my mouth or body language, but also by the way I listen to the observations expressed, I deduce their feelings and needs as well as their requests. Nonviolent Communication helps me to discover and interpret what is alive in the other, what is happening to him, in order to better communicate with him, in natural giving, compassion and empathy.
Therefore the four elements of Nonviolent Communication are used both in our own expressions as well as in how we listen with empathy the expressions of others. To express honestly the observations, feelings, needs and requests, and to hear empathetically the observations, feelings, needs and requests.
Observations – The concrete deeds or facts that we are observing and that may potentially affect or make reference to our well-being.
Feelings – How we are feeling about what we are observing; what feelings stir in us from what we are observing.
Needs – Discovering or becoming aware of the values, desires, needs, that are the true cause of our feelings, and not what we are observing nor who we are observing.
Requests – The concrete actions or deeds that we ask the other, or others, to meet our needs and enrich the lives of both.
Articulation of the four components
NVC is a building with two types of foundation and four pillars. The two types of base are compassion or empathy, and gratuity or giving from the heart, which can be well summed up in the commandment of love of neighbour as oneself. In this sense, we could say that NVC is a general theory of this commandment or a way to apply it in our day to day.
Another metaphor of how NVC works is the internal combustion engine. The explosive fuel that this type of engine uses to run is Gratuity, or giving from the heart. Observation – Feeling – Need – Request are the pistons, or the moving parts; for these to move smoothly and effortlessly, it is necessary that they are well lubricated, and the oil that makes it possible is Empathy or compassion.
We can furthermore use the analogy of the internal combustion engine to clarify how the four components of NVC work in stages. Whether the fuel is gasoline, diesel, or natural gas, the internal combustion engine is also called four-stroke cycle engine, and in this way, we can compare the four processes in each cycle to the four stages or components of NVC. In the engine, each cycle has four processes: Intake – Compression – Combustion – Exhaust. A cycle begins with the piston inside of the cylinder descending to let in a mixture of fuel and air, the piston then moves up and compresses the mixture making it more combustible. The mixture ignites and explodes, driving the piston downwards and when the piston hits the bottom of its stroke, exhaust valves open letting out the exhaust gases and then the cycle begins again.
In this sense, the intake of the combustible mixture corresponds to observation in NVC where we collect and take in information from our surrounding that will provoke us to react; the compression of the mixture corresponds to the feelings that are roused by the observation, triggering us to search for the needs that are the true cause of these feelings; the explosion of the fuel mixture is comparable to the release of the compressed feelings as they find their corresponding needs.
The explosion is what generate the energy required to move the internal combustion engine; in the engine of the NVC, the needs or values are the fundamental motivation of both human and animal behaviour. When the feeling meets and ignites the need, it gives rise to the combustion or ignition that will keep the four components of NVC working in stages; the letting out of the exhaust gases in the engine corresponds in NVC to the letting out of a request.
The human body is composed of the head, the torso and the limbs; putting the limbs aside, that is, the arms and hands to act, and the legs and feet to move, we are left with the essence of the human being, the head and the torso. In the head, one places the functions of observing and inquiring or requesting; in the upper part of the torso the function of feeling, and the lower part the function of needs.
For Rosenberg what truly defines us are not our thoughts (beliefs, ideas, projects and opinions), but our feelings and needs as they constitute to what he calls “what is alive in us”, an expression he uses all the time.
After dinner a wife says to her husband:
-Darling, I have been feeling lonely and miserable all day; the only thing that cheered me up was the thought of those evenings we spent cuddling on the couch watching movies. I really would like to spend tonight like that. Would you do that for me?
-I would like that, I also remember those times with longing, but tonight is the final between Benfica and Porto, and I have already promised my friends that I would watch the game with them; would you mind if we leave the movie for tomorrow night instead?
If the wife acts out of line with NVC then she will say that her husband does not love her, that he gives more importance to a game than to her etc.… However, if she acts in line with NVC philosophy then she does not hear a ‘no’ to her needs but a ‘yes’ to the needs of her husband with whom she empathises, because she loves him the way she loves herself, and meeting his needs is as important as meeting her own needs which in this case are just being postponed for one day. Should the husband give in to his wife’s needs by repressing his own and conceding out of guilt or obligation then the two, not just one, would end up paying a high price.
Here again enters the philosophy of love of neighbour as oneself; within this philosophy, the needs of others are as much mine as mine own needs, because to love, as Saint Thomas Aquinas says, is to want the good of the other. Similarly, one cannot be happy alone or at the expense of others, but only with others; in NVC there are no winners or losers, either all win or all lose.
Conclusion
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. (Revelation 21:1)
These are the four riders of the new international order, of a new heaven and a new earth; the real Promise Land, the Kingdom of Justice and Peace where violence as a means of establishing peace has become obsolete because the needs of all are met. In the book of Revelation, the ‘sea’ is the symbolism for evil and therefore in this future land of plenty, evil will be no more. And as the instruments of war are changed into instruments of peace (Isaiah 2:4) and the wolf and the lamb shall feed together, there will be no more evil or destruction (Isaiah 65:25).
Fr. Jorge Amaro, IMC
Very Good!
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