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| Happy Easter! |
What is giving from the heart
What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart. —Marshall Rosenberg
It is compassion that impels and propels us to give from the heart. Compassion is giving out of joy to enrich life and giving freely without expecting or wanting anything in return; when we give compassionately the receiver does not feel indebted to us.
If empathy is the lubricant, the engine oil or the environment that facilitates the constant movement of the four pistons in the engine of the Nonviolent Communication, giving from the heart or natural giving is the fuel that makes combustion and explosion possible inside the cylinders to propel the pistons to move.
Rosenberg may have gotten his concept of “giving from the heart” from his own life experience. He tells the story that one day he was in a railway station waiting for a train when he spotted a black worker preparing to eat an orange after finishing his packed lunch. The worker stopped when he saw a little boy sitting on his mother’s lap staring at him. He got up, cleaned the orange, kissed it, and then went over to give it to the little boy. Thrilled by the gesture, Rosenberg had the opportunity to ask the worker why he kissed the orange before giving it to the little boy and he was told that one should never give anything that is not from the heart.
“Gratuitas” is the Latin word that in the romance languages evolved to “gratuitá” in Italian, “gratuidade” in Portuguese, “gratuidad” in Spanish and “gratuité” in French, which describes the type of giving devoid of all obligation, done freely and graciously from the heart borne out of our need to give. This type of giving is like wanting to love and to be loved unconditionally with no strings attached, without reservation or ulterior motives. Without the left hand knowing what the right hand is doing as the Gospel suggests. (Matthew 6:1-4)
The English translation of “gratuitas” is gratuity which in modern English has evolved to mean token or donation, or gratuitousness which now can mean futility or without justification. Probably hard pressed to find an English word with the same depth of meaning as the Latin word “gratuitas”, Rosenberg formulated the expression “giving from the heart” or natural giving.
To love and to be loved is the first and foremost of all human needs once the physical needs are met; without the fulfillment of this need, there is no meaningful human life, although we experience it differently at different stages of life. When we are children the urge falls on wanting to be loved whereas when we are adults the primary need is to love, to give freely and unconditionally from the heart without any sort of compulsion or obligation.
If an adult feels more need to be loved than to love, as we see in the soap operas, then he or she is not really an adult but still has the emotional immaturity of a child or a teenager.
Furthermore, this concept of giving from the heart does not apply only to giving but also to receiving. Frequently when we receive, we feel obliged to pay back in one way or another. The spirit of giving from the heart does not live in the one who gives with ulterior motives, or in order to receive something in exchange, or to gain popularity, that is, neither in the one who receives and feels indebted nor in the one who gives and expects something in return.
To give is to receive, to receive is to give
There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving.” Acts 20:35
Declaring that there is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving is a discovery or a conclusion one makes at the end of a psychological, affective and spiritual maturing process. This is what an adult would say at the end of this maturing process. Naturally, a child finds more happiness in receiving than it finds in giving.
So, we become psychologically, affectively and spiritually adults when we find more joy in giving than we find in receiving. But since indigence is always part of human condition, as long as we are humans, we also need to receive and should still find happiness in receiving or else we would be too proud and self sufficient which is something nobody under the Sun can claim. This being so, perfect maturity comes when we can exclaim that we find the same happiness in giving as we do in receiving, because giving and receiving has become for us, one and the same thing.
In the chapter “Giving from the Heart” of Rosenberg's book, he quotes the lyrics of a song that tells all there is to know about gratuity. According to the song, giving and receiving mean the same thing in as much as in giving we receive and in receiving we give.
I never feel more given to
than when you take from me —
when you understand the joy, I feel
giving to you.
And you know my giving isn’t done
to put you in my debt,
but because I want to live the love
I feel for you.
To receive with grace
may be the greatest giving.
There’s no way I can separate
the two.
When you give to me,
I give you my receiving.
When you take from me, I feel so
given to.
The same idea has been long said by Saint Francis of Assisi centuries before in his famous prayer of peace:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Gratuity in romance languages
In the neo-Latin languages we respond in gratitude with ‘grazie’ in Italian, ‘gracias’ in Spanish, and ‘obrigado’ in Portuguese, which probably came from the English ‘I am much obliged’ and which detracts from the spirit of giving from the heart. In Portugal, we all say ‘obrigado’ when we are grateful to someone; only the poor, who cannot return the favor, say ‘Que Deus te pague’ or ‘May God pay you’. They do not feel obliged because it is assumed that those who gave to them know that the poor cannot pay them back. It is for this reason the advice that Jesus gives us in the Gospel makes sense, of inviting to our banquets those who cannot repay us. (Luke 14:12-14)
Whoever loves another conditionally deceives himself when believing that he loves the other person, but in fact, deep down, he really loves only himself and not the other. He mirrors and projects himself on the other because he wants to see what he cannot see in himself. His love is only a manipulation of the other person. Giving from the heart is to love and be loved without conditions, letting the other be who he is without trying to change him. When the other realizes this unconditional love he puts aside anxiety, freeing himself of the necessity to perform well or be successful to please the other.
Unconditional love is uncommon even between parents and children. In fact, there are many parents who condition the love for their children to school or professional achievements. These kids grow up confusing love with success and end up paying a high price later in life for this error. The one who loves unconditionally is always successful in life whereas the one who seeks success at any cost often does it at the expense of love; he may become successful in his profession, but is defeated in life. Because living is loving…
When someone declares that he loves us, by words or deeds, we are taken aback and find it difficult to accept this love without fear of feeling entrapped or contracting a debt with high interest that is difficult to repay, it is like being at the mercy of a capricious bank manager who can at any time demand the full payment of the debt.
As ‘scalded cats fear even cold water’, the negative past experiences, especially those that occurred in childhood, put us so much on the defensive that many times we end up blocking even those who present us with their unconditional love. We feel so powerless from our past negative experiences that we now feel unworthy of true love, so we block all love that come our way. We erect a wall of resistance and reproach because we interpret this love as a seduction and exploitation. How many times a love free of conditions finds our heart defensively frozen.
Selfishness is not convenient even to the selfish person
A water mill will only work if there is water running through it. If the first of several water mills along a stream retained the water just for itself, this would do it no good as its own wheel wouldn’t be able to move either. There is no advantage in being the first in line upstream nor any disadvantage in being the last in line downstream, as both the first and the last only move if the water is continuously flowing. Either all mills work or none works at all.
The same is true in the context of Nonviolent Communication as no one can be truly happy at the expense of the unhappiness of others, either all win or all lose. If my so-called happiness makes other people miserable, then it can never be a true happiness for sooner or later the evil that I cause to others feedbacks onto me. Therefore NVC is a win-win situation in as much as all win when one wins and all lose when one loses. Selfishness never pays off, it is not even convenient to the one who is selfish.
That is why in Nonviolent Communication the needs of others are taken as my needs also. In this sense, the NVC is just a practical application of the commandment of the love of neighbor as oneself; as well as the golden rule of all the world religions which says, "don’t do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you". Christianity is the only religion that states a positive version of this rule: In everything do to others as you would have them do to you. (Matthew 7:12)
Compassion leads to giving from the heart
When Jesus came to the place, he looked up and said to him, ‘Zacchaeus, hurry and come down; for I must stay at your house today.’ So he hurried down and was happy to welcome him. All who saw it began to grumble and said, ‘He has gone to be the guest of one who is a sinner.’ Zacchaeus stood there and said to the Lord, ‘Look, half of my possessions, Lord, I will give to the poor; and if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I will pay back four times as much.’ Luke 19:5-8
Accusing and labeling people only lead them to shut themselves defensively in their fortress, confirming, reinforcing and making them stronger in their attitudes. Violence cannot win against violence; the only peace that is attained by violence is the deadly peace of the cemetery. Violence is not the solution to any problem and creates many others; it is, therefore, completely counterproductive. Hatred can only be overcome with love; pretending to overcome hatred with hate is like putting out fire with gasoline.
“Be the change you want to see in the world”, says Gandhi. Just as violence breeds violence, compassion breeds compassion and bring about natural giving. In the context of retributive justice, Zacchaeus did not deserve Jesus’ compassion; in fact, he did not even merit the gift of his visit, but rather punishment for his past double-dealing. Just as ‘you cannot catch flies with vinegar’, punishments, labels, criticisms and insults would not make Zacchaeus change his life and perspective.
It was the undeserved and unconditional compassion shown by Jesus that moved Zacchaeus to become compassionate towards those he had mistreated in the past, and voluntarily, without being asked, to offer to make restitution to those he had cheated.
One day a mother came to plead with Napoleon for her son’s life. The young man had committed a serious offence. The law was clear. Justice demanded his death. The emperor was determined to ensure that justice would be carried out. But the mother insisted, ‘Your Excellency, I have come to ask for mercy not for justice.’
- But he does not deserve mercy,’ Napoleon answered.
- Your Excellency,’ said the mother, ‘it would not be mercy if he de¬served it.’
- So be it,’ said Napoleon. ‘I will have mercy on him.’ And he set her son free.
When we are compassionate with those who are undeserving, we trigger compassion in them, which is well hidden, forgotten, and full of dust and cobwebs in the depth of their hearts. We know that whoever has been abused, physically or sexually, can easily become an abuser himself, spending the rest of his life taking revenge on innocent victims for the abuses that he himself had received in the early years of his own innocent life. Only compassion given from the heart can save that person from the vicious circle that is destroying his life and the lives of those with whom he relates.
What blocks compassion
Here are some statements that we frequently hear and which in our view serve to justify and rationalize the use of violence and continue the game of who is right and who is wrong:
It is a sign of weakness, people would take advantage of me if I were compassionate – The power of love is greater than the love for power. Nobody can take away our dignity if we do not give it to them; no one can make us do anything. They can subdue our body but not our soul, our integrity, our person. Because compassion disarms the powerful, the benefits of compassion are as much for the compassionate person as for the one receiving compassion.
There are people who just don’t deserve compassion – We are not to enter into the game of who deserves and who doesn’t deserve compassion; if it were deserved, it would no longer be compassion but justice. God makes rain fall equally on the righteous and the unrighteous; all human beings, for the simple fact of being human, are deserving of compassion. And probably the more wicked the more deserving, because only through compassion can his wickedness be converted.
To be compassionate to those who have done evil is to let them go unpunished – To be compassionate does not mean we accept bad behaviour, betrayal, rape, unjust systems, cruelty, offenses, or crimes. It means, however, that we accept that these things happen; that we can defend ourselves from them assertively, but not aggressively, condemning the offense not the offender. Violence does not justify the use of violence, because it does not solve problems but only make them greater as violence tend to escalate.
The language that alienates us from others
To give from the heart is to contribute freely and unconditionally to life, happiness and self- accomplishment of others and to let others contribute to our life, happiness and self- accomplishment without feeling indebted to them.
Everything we do in life that is not done purely out of compassionate giving but out of guilt, fear of punishment, to receive a reward, to please someone or driven by a sense of duty and obligation, will develop into the type of interaction or transaction where the giver and the receiver end up paying a high price that will ultimately destroy their relationship. Those who stay in this sick relationship, such as that which exists between a masochist and a sadist, would do so for as long as they remain sick, but no one lives happily in sickness.
Diagnostics, judgements, labels, analysis, criticisms, comparisons as well as thinking in terms of “this person is good so he deserves a reward or that other is bad and deserves a punishment” are all part of a violent language. Everything we do out of obedience or a sense of duty as well as the type of thinking in terms of denial of responsibility and choice, “it's not my fault”, “I had no chance, there was no plan B” are also violent language that alienates and degrades us.
Judgments and labels – Judgments and labels categorize the other person, often unfairly because we judge the other by a single action that we generalize afterwards. We do not allow the other person be who he is as we fix an identity on him. If there is anything that the nonviolent language rejects is the verb to BE. We are all a work in progress; any static classifying label of the other person is always biased.
Rewards and punishments – Be it kindness or meanness it stays with the one who practices it, in other words, it has its benefits or harms in itself as if it were the attachment of an email. In order to avoid doing something out of the fear of being caught, for instance, is not enough motivation to avoid doing evil because the day will come when I feel certain that no one is looking, I will then overcome that fear, and commit the offense. I must not do evil by the very fact that I am convinced that it is evil. Similarly, if I am doing this or that to receive a prize then I am also not doing it from the heart; it is like working for a salary, the day will come when there is no more reward, and I will stop doing it.
The punishment could be a simple rebuke made in public that would embarrass me, and the reward could be a simple compliment, but they are the same thing.
“You are so good!”
“Good job!”
“You’re such a nice person!”
Praises for those who receive them can transform a person into an addict who does what he does not from an innate desire, but rather to receive the compliments. It can be an occasion of false humility in denying the importance of what he did by saying “it was nothing” or making him think that he is better than everyone else. From the point of the one who makes them, compliments are many times a way of manipulating the other for the gain of some obscure interests of his. For example, a boss who tells the worker that without him the company would go bankrupt, then he follows his praise by asking the employee to work overtime.
Reward in the Gospel – For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax-collectors do the same? Matthew 5:46
“Beware of practicing your piety before others in order to be seen by them; for then you have no reward from your Father in heaven.” Matthew 6:1
But love your enemies, do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return. Your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High; for he is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. Luke 6:35
Jesus exhorts his disciples to practice compassionate giving; to do things for the sake of doing them without expecting an immediate reward; but as goodness stays with the one who practices it, like wickedness, a certain ‘reward’ follows the good act and this is what we will receive in Heaven. It reveals psychological maturity in him who can resist immediate pleasure or gratification and is able to postpone one and the other; Jesus asks us to delay until heaven the prize or reward of what we do on earth. This is what is meant to “store up for yourselves treasures in heaven…” (Matthew 6:20)
Comparisons – To the Spaniards, comparisons are repulsive. When we compare ourselves with others or what is conventionally regarded as intelligent, beautiful, or gifted, we cease to be ourselves, and become envious and try to imitate others. We forget that since we are all unique, in being ourselves no one can beat us. Comparisons come by virtue of competition and competition is violent per se; when we accept others and ourselves as we are, there is no reason to compete because we can only be what we are and in being who we are no one can be better than us.
Denial of choice – All expressions that begin with “I had to…” are a denial of choice and the freedom of being children of God. In this way we present ourselves as slaves of duty. In nonviolent language, obligation does not exist; we only do what we like in order to live fully and abundantly. What we do out of obligation will not be done well and sooner or later, we will stop doing it. On the other hand, as the proverb says, “whoever runs for sheer desire, does not tire”.
Rosenberg, in his books and lectures, gives the example of a woman who needed to leave his workshops early because she had to go home to cook for her family which she hated to do until one day, using what she had learned in the NVC workshops, she announced to her family that she would no longer continue to cook for them. Days later Rosenberg met the sons of that same woman when they came to thank him personally for their mother’s decision to stop cooking, because not only was her cooking not great but they were all tired of hearing her constantly complaining because she did it out of duty.
Denial of responsibility – “They made me do it”, and the abusive use of obedience to deny responsibility; Rosenberg quotes here the officers of the Nazi concentration camps who sent thousands of people into the gas chambers without any feelings of guilt because they denied any personal responsibility in the atrocities. In the nonviolent language we are all responsible for our actions, whereby no one can force us to do what our conscience tells us is wrong.
Our moral conscience, well-formed and informed, is what makes us truly free so we only do what it tells us to do. We do not raise ourselves above anyone, neither do we submit to anyone; as persons, free, independent and autonomous, our actions spring from our moral conscience and are guided by it. This being so, we, and no one else, are solely responsible for them; our moral conscience answers to no one but only to God himself; in this consists “the freedom of the children of God”. (Romans 8: 21)
Compassionate giving in action in the way we give or receive appreciation or gratitude
Living the philosophy of “giving from the heart” or in gratuity means that we do nothing that is motivated by coercion, duty, obligation, for fear to be reprimanded or punished, or the craving to receive praises and rewards. In other words, everything we do is out of pure love, joy and pleasure that we feel when we contribute to our and others’ well-being.
Both "good" and "evil" remain with those who practice them; that is, the punishment for the evil practiced is inherent in the practicing of the evil, it does not come from outside, certainly not from God. As someone has said, God always forgives and forgets while humans sometimes do and sometimes don’t. Nature, on the other hand, whether physical nature or human nature never forgives and never forgets. So “He who sows winds reaps storms.” Similarly, the reward for practicing goodness is inherent in the act itself, it follows like the attachment of an email.
Similarly, in NVC we do nothing to be praised or rewarded, neither do we reward or praise others for doing what they do. We are not hungry for praises and do not hope to receive them as a feedback for whatever we do, and we also do not use them as a bait to trap others, making them addictive to our praises in order to manipulate and control them.
We move away from these mind games; so instead of asking or demanding apologies for mistakes made, we mourn, and instead of praising and being praised, we celebrate both our successes and achievements, and those of others.
Both in giving as in receiving from the heart, we are to follow the paradigm of the four components of the nonviolent language. In this way, we express and feel compassionately. To give and receive appreciation:
- What did I do concretely that contributed to enrich the life of the other...What did the other do that specifically enriched my life.
- How do I feel when I think about what I did to the other… How do I feel when I think of what the other did to me.
- What needs or values were met by what I did for the other… What needs or values were met by what the other did for me.
Fr. Jorge Amaro, IMC
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