The Karpman triangle or the Bermuda triangle
Since our goal is to explore and study the tridimensionality of reality, this psychological theory, which deals with the three basic roles that people play in the course of their interactions in a paradigmatic, predictable, uncritical and unconscious way, could not escape us.
In this triangle, each actor can play the role that best suits his personality; but the rules of the game and the situation created can force him to switch roles. In general, whoever enters this game plays all the roles and switches from one to the other, like a monkey jumping from branch to branch.
The peculiarity of this behaviour paradigm is that people who enter this dance or game, whatever may be the role they play in it (leaving it or remaining and continuing to play), end up getting hurt and hurting others. This is the reason why, personally, I call the Karpman triangle the Bermuda triangle.
The Bermuda triangle is an imaginary triangle between the islands of Bermuda, Florida and Puerto Rico where a significant number of planes and boats have mysteriously disappeared. The legend or popular belief attributes a paranormal activity to this space as the cause for these disappearances. This area is one of the most crossed by commercial boats, cruise ships and planes to which nothing seems to have happened. In other words, in the real Bermuda triangle no one gets lost, but in the Karpman triangle then yes, people who enter it do get lost; hence my mention of the initial belief.
Before explaining how the dialectic of this triangle works and proposing an alternative triangle, with alternative roles, so that people who have lost themselves in the game will find themselves and each other again, we need to explain the general and particular context where this theory comes from. The generic context is the theory of Transactional Analysis created by the Canadian psychoanalyst Eric Berne (1910-1970).
The most specific context in which Steve Karpman, a student of Eric Berne, bases his drama triangle is the psychological games that people inadvertently play with each other. It was Berne who studied this subject, having written about it in one of his most popular books, Games People Play. Instead of putting his name to this theory like many professors do even though it was deduced from his theory on games, Berne urged Karpman to publish it, which he did in a 1968 article.
Psychoanalysis
According to Sigmund Freud (1856-1939), our mind is divided into three different compartments that communicate with each other. We can also understand them as three beings with different functions that interact inside of our minds. These three entities are not of the same age: the first came already incorporated in the infant, the other two are only potentially existing.
ID – It is the oldest and consists of a set of tendencies, impulses and primordial instincts through which the baby seeks to satisfy its needs. The ID is more or less what we have in common with many living beings, especially those closest to us in the evolutionary ladder.
EGO – Through the child’s interaction with the world, especially with his primary caregivers during the first three years of life, the child learns that he does not live alone in the world and that the others with whom he lives and interacts also have needs and desires to satisfy. So, he realizes that in both the short and long term, it is not appropriate to be selfish and want everything for himself. Thus, EGO is born which seeks to satisfy the needs of ID, taking into account and considering reality, that is, the needs of others’ IDs. The EGO is the organized, operative, realistic and rational part of our mind.
SUPEREGO – It is the moral or ethical part that develops due to discipline, limitations, and moral and ethical restrictions placed by our caregivers. If EGO is the government of our mind then SUPEREGO is the law, constitution or ideology that the government follows; it represents the role of ambassador of culture or society in our psyche and is made up of the rules, norms, laws and moral values that we must respect and observe. The SUPEREGO is our moral conscience that at all times tells us what is good and should be done, and what is bad and should be avoided.
Transactional Analysis
Eric Berne who was a follower of Freud created his theory of Transactional Analysis by renaming the three valences of our personality according to Freud. He called the three valences ego states and renamed each one of them: the ID he gave the name of Child, the EGO Adult, and the SUPEREGO Parent.
Ego states – For Berne, this is a determined psychic pattern of feelings and experiences, directly related to a given behaviour. Let us see in practice how the ego states are processed:
Parent – A mother looking for a school for her child finds one where the students’ creativity is stimulated; however, on seeing the place, she judged it to be a bit dirty and disorganized, she concludes that it is not the right place for her child.
Adult – Moments later, she has second thoughts and decides to check the school’s ranking and to talk to some parents.
Child – In the end, smiling to herself, she exclaims, “How I wish my school had been like this!”
According to Berne, in a short time, this woman experienced the three different ego states:
- Child – Behaviours, thoughts and feelings reproduced from childhood. It is in the Child ego state that feelings, emotions and instincts are housed. The child represents the feeling in life.
- Adult – Behaviours and thoughts that are direct answers to the here and now. The Adult represents thoughts and reason in our lives. The reasoning, the analysis of data and information about a specific problem or issue, and the solution or resolution of it. It acts as if it were a computer, taking into account the child’s feelings and the cultural or ethical demands of the Parent, without being dominated by either the Child or the Parent.
- Parent – Behaviours and thoughts copied from the parents or caregivers. The Parent represents all that we have learned in our lives.
PUNITIVE PARENT – Exerts power over others, controls, disciplines, pursues and punishes; represents the law, ethics and order. He/She is full of ideas, many of which are prejudiced, and in a traditional family, it represents our father.
NURTURING PARENT – Loving, affectionate, consoling who comforts, supports, protects and saves. In a traditional family, it represents our mother.
NATURAL CHILD – This is what remains of the ID, the part that resisted the rearing of the caregivers. It is represented by the angry, loving, impulsive, spontaneous or playful attitude of a person. The natural child is intuitive and full of energy.
ADAPTED CHILD – This is the natural child domesticated by education, less selfish than the Natural Child. However, when the rules were not assumed but only imposed, he/she is repressed, hypocritical and sometimes rebellious. The Adapted child is sometimes dominated by fear and shame.
Transactions
Berne calls structural analysis the inner dialogue between the different ego states and transactional analysis the dialogue we have with other people and the interaction between our ego states and their ego states. There are three types of transactions: complementary, crossed and ulterior.
Complementary transactions – When the answer comes from the ego state to which our question was directed. For example, when I say to someone “I love you” from my Natural Child ego state and that person answers “I love you too” from her Natural Child state.
Crossed transactions – When the answer comes from an ego state different from that to which we direct the question. For example, we arrive at work and say from our Adult ego state “good morning” to the boss, and he responds from his Punitive Parent state saying “you are late”. Or, using the previous example, when we say to someone “I like you” and that person answers “I know…”
Ulterior transactions – These occur when one person says one thing and means another. In other word, what you say is not really what you mean. Subterfuges are used, so that the real message is not in the lines but between the lines. Openly, the message is expressed from the Adult ego state, but the real message is hidden and must be deduced from the tone of voice used, words chosen and the body language.
For example, when everyone in the office has left, the boss asks the secretary to stay longer; but what he is really implying is that he wants to be alone with her. She answers that she is in no hurry, but deep down she is saying that she also wants to be alone with him. It is important to know what ulterior transactions are because all the games we play fall under this category of transactions.
The psychological games that people play
Games People Play was Eric Berne’s best-selling book. The book is basically a catalogue of the many games people play, with a description of how the game is played and what each player gets or thinks they get by playing it.
“Don’t play games with me” is a widely used expression. Therefore, almost everyone knows what a psychological game is. The idea already existed before Berne, but among all the psychological theories, his transactional analysis is the best one to explain what a psychological game is. Placing the games within the context of this theory, it is important to note that the protagonists of the games are always the Parent and the Child, without the knowledge or consent of the Adult.
This is why games are never beneficial to any of the participants, even when one of them apparently seems to be winning, as is the case of the sadist and masochist who seek and enter a relational dynamic where each seems to find what they are looking for. But this is an unhealthy relationship that only reinforces the disease and does not cure it. Psychological games are not activities where everyone wins, but rather where everyone loses.
Games are ulterior transactions, psychological tactics used to manipulate, control or intimidate others. For Berne, a psychological game is a set of ulterior transactions that take place in parallel at two levels: an open, social, Adult to Adult level, and a subliminal, covert or disguised level, with a dramatic outcome when the two levels coincide, that is, when the ulterior motives become clear. Let us look at an example:
“Why don’t you...? Yes, but...” – It is a game played between two or more people; one person presents a problem and the other a solution in the form of “Why don’t you…?” to which the presenter of the problem replies: “Yes, but…” The prize or reward of this game is the silence or masked opposition when the presenter of the solution exhausts his solution database. When this happen, the “Yes, but…” player is satisfied with being able to prove that the other is ultimately inadequate.
A - My husband insists on doing all the repairs at home, but he does nothing right.
B - Why doesn't he take a DIY course?
A - Yes, it is a good idea, but he doesn't have time.
B - Why don't you give him a good toolbox as a present?
A - Yes, but he won't know how to use them.
B - Why don't you hire a professional for the next repair that comes up?
A - Yes, but it will cost a lot.
B - Then why don't you just accept the way your husband does it?
A - Yes, but the thing is that sometimes the damage is even greater and it's all badly done.
At a social level, it seems to be a conversation between Adult A and Adult B, but subliminally or psychologically, player A acts from her insecure Child state and player B from her wise Parent state. After all, player A may even need advice, but since she rejects all of them, what she really wants is attention or affection. These are being given to her, but in an indirect manner so that the game will end in frustration for both, because this is not an adult way to ask for attention or affection.
Why do we play?
- The ultimate biological benefit of a game is to get attention or affection. Even if the games always end badly, all players get a fair amount of affection or attention, whether positive or negative.
- The ultimate social benefit of a game is the structuring of time. Thus, people fill their time with an exciting activity that could otherwise be boring and depressing. Games are a pastime, people are entertained by them, even when they end up getting hurt.
- The ultimate existential benefit of a game is how it confirms the existential position of each player. There are four positions:
You’re OK, I’m not OK (Existential position of Victim)
I’m not OK, you’re not OK (Existential position of Victim without hope)
I’m OK, you’re OK (Existential position of Adult)
Other reasons are:
- Not taking responsibility for our feelings, thoughts, behaviours or situations.
- To escape acceptance of reality as it is, by rationalizing or denying it.
- Running away from intimacy, but at the same time surreptitiously maintaining intense intimate relationships. The players do not empathize with each other because they are completely and unconsciously absorbed in the role they play in the game.
- Running away from internal conflicts and tensions, by projecting them out of us, dragging someone to take a role in our game. But the patterns and rules of the game make it impossible to solve any problem. The solution is never in the game, because it is the Adult that looks for dignified solutions and he does not participate in games.
- To make the other’s behaviour predictable in order to dominate him.
Drama triangle
The dynamics that are established around a person trapped by an addiction, which makes him depend on a substance or an obsessive and repetitive behaviour, illustrate well what are the particular dynamics of the Karpman’s drama triangle.
The dependent person, by playing the role of Victim of addiction, humiliation, prejudice, medical negligence and even police brutality, seeks and finds a Rescuer. The Rescuer plays this role by trying generously and altruistically to help the addict, without making sure that he is committed to the process of abandoning his addiction.
Frustrated in realizing that the Victim does nothing to get out of his addiction, the Rescuer becomes the Persecutor by accusing, insulting, neglecting or punishing the addict. The latter, seeing himself harassed in this way, strikes back and also takes on the role of Persecutor.
In this case, the game ends in violence, because in the triangle there cannot have two people playing the same role. If the game is played between husband and wife, it is likely that the first Persecutor will give in and, in the face of the persecution of the second, will become the Victim. This may lead the Persecutor that initiated the game to become the Rescuer, if we consider the Victim represents the addict. For example:
Adolf (Victim) – I want to quit smoking, but I can’t.
Eva (Rescuer) – I’ll help you, take these pills, I’ll get rid of the ashtrays around the house…
It turns out that the Victim is not really interested in quitting, he only wanted to please his wife so gave in to her, although he smokes in hiding. Eva finds out and from Rescuer she becomes Persecutor.
Eva (Persecutor) - "You scoundrel, coward, you asked me to help and I helped you, but you lied to me, you're weak, you'll never quit."
Adolf (Persecutor) - "I never wanted to quit, you made me with your nagging, go to hell!"
Eva (Victim - Rescuer) - She cries and feels guilty. After a while she returns to the scene as Rescuer saying, "Sorry, love. Can we start again? Here are other pills that are more effective than the first."
Adolf (Initial Victim) - "Okay, if that's what you want..."
A vicious circle starts again and the problem is never resolved. Adolf does not want to quit smoking and Eva does not accept him as a smoker.
PERSECUTOR
Normal – A cop chasing a delinquent or a father punishing his son who hit his younger brother, these are normal and common forms of persecution.
Psychological – A husband humiliating his wife when she decides she wants a job; an authoritarian and always severe teacher.
The Persecutor identifies clearly with the Punitive Parent of Transactional Analysis. He is an authoritarian, dictatorial, manipulated by fear, and prefers to be feared than to be loved. He also dictates the rules and enforces them without taking into consideration the will of others; he torments the weak, exploits their vulnerabilities, only see defects in others and exaggerates them.
The beneficial function of the father is to protect and provide for his family. The role of the Persecutor is a perversion of this function by trying to “reform” by force. It is known that every abused person becomes an abuser, every victim becomes a Persecutor: in order to avenge or distance himself from the harm done to him, he now applies that same evil on others who depend on him.
It is clear that in normal circumstances the Persecutor should be aware of the suffering he inflicts. However, he gets rid of the feeling of guilt by telling himself that what he does is for the good of others. It does not cross his mind that the ends do not justify the means. The methods used include preaching, blaming, interrogating, intimidating, attacking.
Just as the Rescuer wishes to “fix” someone, the Persecutor needs someone to blame! Persecutors deny their own limitations and defects, just as Rescuers deny their needs. The greatest fear of both is helplessness. In denying their own state of weakness, both have a constant need of someone on whom to project their own inadequacies. Both Rescuer and Persecutor need therefore a Victim to sustain their place in the triangle.
The Persecutor tends to compensate for his feelings of worthlessness by giving himself an air of grandeur. The grandiosity is inevitably generated by guilt. It compensates and disguises a great feeling of inferiority. Superiority is like moving directly from a “less than” to a “more than”.
The whole superiority complex is based on an uncomfortable feeling of inferiority; grandiosity is just a way to hide this feeling. The person begins by hiding it from others and ends up hiding it from himself, in such a way that he winds up believing in his own superiority.
Games of Persecutor
“Now I’ve got you, you S.O.B.” – This is used to justify the rage that has built up over an extended period of time. The aggressor (usually unaware) identifies the Victim, sets a trap and uses it as a way to take revenge or gain power over his opponent.
Experts in finding defects – The person seeks to find faults or limitations in others or in himself. He takes advantage of their faults to gain and exert power over them; when it is an auto-game, it serves to negatively reinforce his incapacities.
VICTIM
Normal – Someone who while crossing the street is run over by a drunk driver who did not respect the red traffic light; someone who is persecuted for religious, racial or sexual reasons.
Psychological – A wife who complains about her husband to everyone, but never makes a decision about the problem. Complains about addiction.
The victim state, from a psychological point of view, is just as sick as the other two. It is the person who never grows up, an eternal Peter Pan who enjoys and exploits the state of dependence on others. He externalizes his inner conflicts, attracting others to his problems and making them assume two roles, that of the Persecutor and the Rescuer. He needs someone to chase him, makes that person feel guilty, manipulates by guilt, makes others criticize, humiliate and hurt him. He continually sends subliminal messages that say “I am helpless, poor me”.
Both the way of being and the action of the Persecutor and the Rescuer create victims around them. However, the psychological Victim had an overprotective childhood by a paternalistic Rescuer. This is responsible for the Victim’s current immaturity, maladjustment and impotence: at the right time, instead of letting the child solve his own problems, the Rescuer solved them for him.
Formed and educated on the idea that they are intrinsically incapable, Victims adopt the “I can’t do it” attitude. This is their greatest fear, forcing them to always look for someone who is “more capable” to take care of them. Victims deny both their abilities to solve problems and their potential to generate power. They tend to see themselves as too fragile to take on life. Feeling helpless, exposed, mistreated, intrinsically bad and wrong, they see themselves as an “unsolvable problem”.
This does not prevent them, however, from being greatly resentful of their dependency. Victims end up feeling overwhelmed with being in an inferior position and try to find ways to fight back or “turn the table”. Moving to the position of Persecutor usually involves sabotaging efforts in order to save them.
Victims are expert players in the game “Yes, but…” described above. Whenever an advice, a suggestion or a solution is offered, the Victim responds with “Yes, but this will not work because…” Sometimes they take on the role of Persecutor as a way to blame and manipulate others into taking care of them.
Games of Victim
“If it weren’t for you…” – Often played between spouses and business partners as a means of avoiding responsibility for individual decisions.
Eternal debtor – Many times it becomes a script, a plan for the whole life. It is used as a means to achieve a goal in life; once this goal is achieved, the player feels depressed and aimless (goal), and starts a new game in search of the meaning of life.
“Look what you made me do” – Played by someone who feels hurt and angry, who gets involved in an activity that tends to isolate himself from people. When interrupted, in the event of an accident or error, he throws himself at the intruder, blaming him and making him a scapegoat of his own failure or for the accident that occurred.
“Let’s fight, you and him” – One player incites two others to fight each other and enjoys the fight as spectator and referee. The inciter stands on the winner’s side.
Wooden leg – This is used as an excuse for dysfunctional behaviour. “What do you expect from a person with a wooden leg?” Often used as a justification, that is, “I’m a redhead so I have a bad temper” or “I drink because I’m Irish”, etc.
“Give me a kick” – Played by people who feel the need to be punished; if they are not, they behave each time more provocatively until they exceed the limits, forcing some Persecutor to kick them; in this category are the abandoned, those who were fired, the rejected, etc.
Attraction/disgust – Played by people who are afraid of intimacy/closeness, but are also afraid of being alone. They try to seduce the other person and when that person is already seduced, the player backs off, leaving the person confused.
RESCUER
Normal – A doctor who preserves the life of a patient; the embassy that gives asylum to a political refugee.
Psychological – A mother who does her child’s housework; a therapist who systematically gives advice and does not help the client to think and solve his own problems.
In the same way that, in the traditional family, the Persecutor is the father figure, the Rescuer is the principle of the mother’s shadow. He looks at the other as an eternal indigent, helpless; he needs them to need him, and therefore the aid that is provided is meant to keep others dependent on him. The Victim is kept as a Victim so that the game does not end and he can even use blackmail and bribery to keep the roles going. He thinks he has a solution to all the problems.
It is the typical reaction of dependence that we call “suffocating”. It is a distorted version of the feminine trait of wanting to nurture and protect. Part of the problem with rescue is that it comes from an unconscious need to feel important or to establish oneself as the Rescuer. Caring for others is the only way that a Rescuer knows how to connect with them and to have self-worth. Rescuers generally grow up in families where they felt inferior and humiliated for having needs. They learn therefore to deny these needs by taking care of others. This makes it essential to have people depend on them.
Rescuers, deep down, are also Victims, that is, they recognize that they need to be cared for and that if they take care of others, then one day someone will take care of them. This becomes evident when the person they try to help rejects that help. In this case, they feel depressed and easily take on the role of Victim and martyr by saying, “This is what I get, after all I’ve done for you”, “No matter how much I do it is never enough” or “If you really loved me, you’d support me more”.
The biggest fear of the Rescuer is that no one will accept his help and care. He is unaware of the castrating dependency he projects when caring for those who depend on him. Through these tactics, he creates disabling messages. All those involved end up convincing themselves that the Victim is helpless, inadequate or defective, thus reinforcing the need for constant care. The job of the Rescuer then becomes to take care of the Victim, “for his own good”, of course.
Having a Victim to take care of is essential for the Rescuer to maintain the delusion of being superior and independent. This means that there will always be at least one person at the heart of each Rescuer’s life who is sick, weak, and unfit, and who needs his care.
Games of Rescuer
“I’m just trying to help…” – A future Rescuer is someone who is fixing the wound of a three-year old child who is protesting and trying to flee; when the child burst into tears, the future Rescuer raises her hands in desperation and says, “Damn it, I’m just trying to help!”
“What would you do without me?” – A teenager girl is babysitting her young brother and lets him out of her sight. When he screams in terror after having climbed a high chair, fallen and injured his nose, she runs, takes him on her lap and concludes “something always happens to you when I’m not around to take care of you”.
Drama in action
Mother (Persecutor) - If you don't clean up your room, there is no dinner for you.
Father (Rescuer) - Leave the boy alone, he must be tired, he was at school all day.
Mother (Victim) - I have been working all day too, do I have to do everything around the house?
Son (Saves the Mother, persecutes the Father) - Stay out of it, this is a matter between Mom and me.
Father (Victim in relation to the Mother and the Son) - I was just trying to help...
Father (Persecutor in relation to the Son) - You show me no respect, you cannot talk to your Father like that.
Another example:
Son (Persecutor) - You know I hate blue, and you went and bought me another blue shirt!
Mom (Victim) - I never do anything right in your eyes.
Dad (Rescues Mom, persecutes Son) - How dare you treat your mother like that? Go to your room and no dinner for you!
Son (Victim speaking to himself) - They tell me to say what I think, but when I do they don't like it.
Mom (Rescuer sneaks food to the Son) - We shouldn't have gotten so upset over a shirt.
Mom (Persecutor) – John, why are you so hard on our son? He must be hating you in his room.
Dad (Victim) - Darn it, I was only trying to help, is this what I get for taking your side?
Son (Rescuer of the Father, Persecutor of the Mother) - Oh Mom, stop it, can't you see that Dad is tired from work?
Solution for drama triangle
As we can see, games do not solve any problems but create others because they are perverted. The solution for the psychological games is to realize that we are playing them and call in the Adult to enter the process to stop them, forcing everyone to relate from the Adult position, abandoning the nurture or rescuer Parent, the punitive Parent or Persecutor, and the Child or Victim. Each one must take responsibility for his own feelings, thoughts and actions, as well as for everything that happens to him accidentally, and understand that this was not caused by others nor by bad luck.
More specifically in relation to the drama triangle, to combat each of the roles, several psychotherapists have created healthy alternative roles to play in a conscious adult game. The diagram illustrating this article alludes to these roles in the blue triangle.
No to the Persecutor, Yes to the Assertive – Instead of persecuting, one should be assertive, exhorting without punishing, encouraging self-knowledge and self-growth in others. Challenge but not impose, provoke or evoke action on others. Infuse hope and energy, fundamentally say to others “you can do it”.
No to the Victim, Yes to being Responsible – Accepting one’s vulnerability, limitations, without defending oneself of them, but say as St. Paul said, “when I’m weak, then I’m strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9-11). When a person is aware of his limitations, he is also aware of his capabilities and uses them, thus being the creator and protagonist of his own change, without passing the responsibility of his own life to a Persecutor or Rescuer. He strives for autonomy, looking for solution to his own problems and saying to himself “to want is to be able, I want, I am able”.
No to the Rescuer, Yes to being Empathetic – To come down empathetically to the level of the other person and, from then on, help in a non-moralistic way, without replacing the other but allowing the other to solve his own problems. This is the role of a non-directive psychotherapist according to Carl Rogers. He assists, supports, facilitates, asks exploratory questions so that the person sees all facets of his problem and helps him discover what he’s going to do and how he’s going to do it.
Rise and shine! No one is going to take the chestnuts out of the fire for you, not even God does for you what you can do for yourself. When no one sees himself as a Victim, the Persecutors and the Rescuers will disappear into the thin air, and friends take their places to help in the process of finding solutions for ourselves, helping us out of our misery.
Playing games is enticing others to act as victim, persecutor or rescuer in the drama of our immaturity. However, if one of the actors decides to become an adult and relinquishes his role, the other two will eventually follow suit, and all will have an opportunity to grow up.
Fr. Jorge Amaro, IMC