Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Mathew 18: 3
The symbol of justice, as well as its meaning, is universally known – the blindfolded lady, denoting neutrality and impartiality, holding a balance in her left hand, to evaluate and weigh equitably the imputable acts, and a sword in her right, signifying the power to execute a sentence.
However, if we look at this figure through the innocent eyes of a child who is not weighed down by its symbolic and cultural burden, she could very well represent the way we behave. We evaluate and sentence others, guided by prejudice because we are blind to the observable reality.
Observations are what we see or hear that we identify as the stimulus to our reactions. Our aim is to describe what we are reacting to concretely, specifically and neutrally, much like how a video camera might capture the moment. This helps to create a shared reality with the other person. Observation gives context to our expression of feelings and needs, and may not even be needed if both people are clear about the context.
The key to making an observation is to separate our judgments, evaluations or interpretations from our description of what happened. For example, if we say: “You’re rude,” the other person may disagree, while if we say, “When I saw you walk in, I didn’t hear you say hello to me”, the other person is more likely to recognize the moment that is described.
When we are able to describe what we see or hear, that is, in an observation language without mixing in evaluations, we increase the likelihood that the person listening to us will hear this first step without immediately jumping to a response and be more willing to hear our feelings and needs.
The nonviolent language helps us to distinguish an observation from an evaluation and to purify our observation of any moralistic judgment, and of all negative or positive evaluations. The structure of the Nonviolent Communication rests upon making observations devoid of prejudices, evaluations, and moralistic appreciations and in giving an equally unbiased feedback to the person whose behaviour we observe.
For the feedback of a good observation to be genuine, it must act like a mirror and reflect what is really happening without interpreting, analyzing, subtracting or adding. When furtively or in a sneaky way, we let our observations contain an appreciation, analysis, interpretation or criticism, the other person becomes immediately defensive and the communication is poisoned and doomed to failure.
Our being too quick to judge makes us miss much of the observable data. It may help us to heed what Jesus says about being like children; in other words, we should regain some of the qualities we have lost when we grew up such as seeing events through the pure eyes of a child, his non-subjective and nonjudgmental view of things, untarnished by cultural backgrounds or prejudices.
Unlike children, adults frequently fill themselves with prejudices and opinions about everything and everyone. They seem to use blinders which horses use to reduce their field of vision so to look only forward. Adults tend to develop cataracts in their eyes and collect wax in their ears, so they see and hear only what they want and how they want; therefore, observation, interpretation and evaluation are all one and the same.
Observation according to NVC
For Rosenberg, an observation is a description of what is happening at the precise moment when we observe and report our observation. It is a report made by our five external senses of sight, hearing, touch, taste and smell together with our thoughts and interior sense devoid of evaluations and prejudices.
A nonviolent observation consists, therefore, of reporting of facts as they are perceived by our sensory experience, in the context of a specific time and place, free of any kind of analysis and evaluation.
It is difficult to observe without evaluating especially when we don’t like what we observe as when what we observe unleashes our anger or our appreciation. We tend to become personally involved in what we observe, and often rush into reckless judgments from which we later regret, but unfortunately, we regret too late, when we have already reached the point of no return; as the saying goes, “A word out of the mouth is like a stone out of the hand”.
Because of our violent formatting, it is inevitable that interpretations and evaluations come into our consciousness about everything we observe. When they do, to avoid conflicts, NVC requires that we keep them to ourselves, as if they were a bad thought; if we choose to voice them out loud, then we must make ourselves responsible for them.
The highest form of human intelligence is the ability to observe without judging...
Jiddu Krishnamurti
To observe without judging is ‘to give the benefit of the doubt’, that is, to doubt our evaluations, our inquisitive thoughts, and their natural conclusions so that we keep our minds resting in the pure natural and naturalistic observation. To judge and to evaluate is to box, to snap a photo, to frame, to archive. As Heraclitus the Greek philosopher would say, ‘reality is not static but dynamic’.
Our minds tend to function within the mechanistic philosophy of Newtonian physics, in which nature operates with the precision of a Swiss clock. Our mental laziness prefers a world where everything works mathematically and inexorably according to the laws of nature, where the exceptions are the embarrassments to the rule, and therefore to be disdained. We prefer a world of normality, of constants without variables, perfectly predictable and controllable.
This may have been Newton’s world, but it is not our world which is best represented and explained by the magical quantum physics, the Heisenberg’s principle of uncertainty and chance. The variables can now be as many as the laws leading us to confusion and bewilderment, but this is our world.
To live in harmony with this dynamic and ever-changing new world, we must change our worldview and our language. They cannot be static nor absolute, but rather dynamic and quite relative.
Nonviolent Communication removes or shifts the focus from who we are as the result of our past such as our identity, our personality, surname etc. to who we are right now; it is what Rosenberg calls what is alive in us now, that is, how we are feeling and what we are needing, or what's going on in us. The static language is set to the past, while NVC being dynamic is set to the present.
Learning to translate judgments and interpretations into the observation language moves us away from right/wrong thinking and helps us take responsibility for our actions by directing our attention to our needs as the source of our feelings rather than on the other person. In this way, observations – paving the way towards greater connection with ourselves and with others – emerge as a crucial building block towards a profound consciousness shift.
The classic example of Rosenberg
Rosenberg recounts how one day he was called to a school where the teachers were united in their constant conflict with the principal. In a meeting with the teachers, he asked them, “What is the principal doing that conflicts with your needs?” Rosenberg asked for concrete observations of the principal’s behavior, but all he got were evaluations: “He has a big mouth!” said the first teacher. “He talks too much!” said another. When they were told that these were all evaluations not observations, a third teacher tried to answer Rosenberg’s question by saying, “He thinks only he has anything worth saying.” Then another trying to be helpful added, “In meetings he always wants to be the center of attention.”
After many failed attempts, Rosenberg worked with the teachers to come up with a list of identifying concrete behaviours free of evaluation on the part of the principal that annoyed them. A meeting with the principal was then called in which Rosenberg was asked to be present. Not long after the meeting started, Rosenberg saw right away for himself what the principal did that irritated the teachers so much. No matter what subject was discussed in the meeting, the principal took the opportunity to give a long rambling account of his childhood or war experience, which took them off topic, with the result that the meetings ran much longer than expected.
This is only one example of our inability to recount what we observe without contaminating it with our evaluation. Sometimes, like in the case of these teachers, evaluation so pervades our minds that we even forget the original behaviour that started the whole discussion.
Evaluating without taking responsibility
Following Rosenberg’s book, let us see some examples where observation has an implicit evaluation to show how difficult it is to separate the two in everyday life.
You are too generous – This is an observation with an evaluation attached; the speaker of this statement claims to know the benchmark of what is less, more or even too generous; as such he makes a categorical claim, allegedly objective, without being responsible or implicated in it.
When I see you give away all your chocolates without leaving any for yourself, I think you are being too generous – This would be the way to formulate the previous statement as pure observation. We make reference to a fact without falling into the temptation to interpret it. But if we want to interpret it then we make ourselves responsible for that interpretation, that is, “I think…” or “to me that is being too generous” thus leaving reality open to other interpretations.
Use and abuse of verbs that evaluate
John is always late – This observation contains a generalization, even if we have already caught John at being late before, it does not mean that he is always late; it is the same situation of the one who had killed a dog and afterwards they all call him a dog-killer. In addition to labeling people, generalizations are always unfair, even if there is a recurring behaviour.
The most harmful of all verbs in the nonviolent language is the verb to be, because it baptizes people, tying them to a label that prevents them from growing and progressing. The abuse of this verb in the education of children leads them to be what others want them to be. The verb to be ties people to static identities; every time we label someone we put that person inside a straitjacket, giving him a life sentence that is difficult for him to escape.
We are all beings under construction, in continuous growth, in a continuous state of becoming, progressing, and evolution. The verb to be does not define us because we are not stones, not static beings but living beings. The verb to be only serves to define dead things and when it defines living things it kills them.
John only studied for the physics exam the night before – The antidote to generalization which leads to labeling is to refer to a specific situation. In this way we observe or echo something that has happened, thus being faithful to reality, and letting John himself draw whatever conclusion he may want to draw from his own behaviour in relation to this specific incident or its recurrence.
Monica is ugly – This denotes that we have in us the gauge for beauty and that in Monica’s case we are the spokesperson for 7 billion people.
Monica’s looks don’t appeal to me – In this way I make myself responsible for my viewpoint that is mine alone, therefore it does not extend to anyone else. As the Romans used to say, “de gustibus non est disputandum”, that is, “in matters of taste, there can be no disputes” because “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”.
Prophets of doom
Her work will not be accepted – We often reveal in our statements the claim of being prophets, and almost always prophets of doom. With some malice and pleasure in the misdeeds of others, we make negative predictions about their thoughts, ideas, feelings, intentions, desires and actions. It is true that this is not an observation, but an “a priori” evaluation whose purpose may be to humiliate the person in question, or to make him retract his attempts, or even to influence him negatively to make him fail.
I don’t think that her work will be accepted – This would be the same evaluation but made in a NVC way; whoever evaluates must take responsibility for his own evaluation thus removing any outside weight and importance of what is said.
If you don’t eat balanced meals, you will lose your health – Here is an observation that not even a medical doctor should make because it confuses prediction with certainty. Medicine is not an exact science like mathematics; there are many factors that affect health or sickness; even though this observation may contain some truth, it is not the whole truth.
If your meals are not balanced, I fear that your health may be affected – This statement is more in accordance with the truth because diet is only one of the many factors affecting both the state of health and the state of illness.
Generalizations
New immigrants are sloppy – This is an example of a generalization; it is perhaps the most common defect in our day to day speech. Words like always, never etc. are almost always followed by a generalization. A generalization is the universalization of our own experience. If we are sufficiently humble we will admit that our experience is very limited in time and space, so it cannot and should not be universalized.
It is the basis of racism, sexism and stereotyping to universalize and generalize our experiences and making comments such as: men are… women are… blacks are… gypsies are… the British are… the French are…
The family of new immigrants living in number 24 does not take care of their lawn – The antidote for generalization is to be specific in time and place thus limiting our statement or observation to a concrete time, place and behaviour as “against facts there is no argument”.
Oscar is a poor soccer player – A generalization most often heard in soccer circles and in heated discussions among fans. It denotes frustration, but it has nothing to do with the truth.
Oscar has not scored a goal in his last 5 games – Translated into a statement accepted by the canons of nonviolent language we make reference to facts and abstain from hasty conclusions. The same player when upon scoring a decisive goal in a championship game would be immediately appreciated in a very different way.
Examples of observations with or without evaluations
• John was angry with me yesterday for no reason. (Evaluation)
• Yesterday night Nancy chewed her nails while watching television. (Observation)
• Sam did not ask for my opinion during the meeting. (Observation)
• My father is a good man. (Evaluation)
• Claire works too much. (Evaluation)
• Henry is aggressive. (Evaluation)
• Carlos was first every day of this week. (Observation)
• My son often doesn’t brush his teeth. (Evaluation)
• Luke told me that I don’t look good in yellow. (Observation)
• My aunt complains when I talk with her. (Evaluation)
The pure in heart shall see God
And if your eye causes you to stumble, tear it out and throw it away; it is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and to be thrown into the hell of fire. Matthew 18:9
The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light; but if your eye is unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness! Matthew 6:22-23
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Matthew 5:8
As Jesus suggests, if our eyes are sick then greater will be our occasions of falling into sin. We often do not see things objectively but only what we want to see. Or, we do not see without interpreting because our eyes are not windows to the world and lamps to illuminate things as they are. Therefore we need to purify our hearts and minds for only then will we see God, and reality as it is, and in this way contribute to the harmony in human relationships and peace in the world.
Evaluation and value judgements in NVC
How is it possible to communicate without evaluating our and the other person’s behaviour? Is there really no evaluation whatsoever in NVC? Indeed there is. In NVC we abstain from the moralistic judgements that are made in a static language and are part of the game of who is right and who is wrong, who is good and who is bad. We refrain from all evaluations that criticize the behavior of other people, labeling them as good or bad, honest or dishonest, egocentric or altruistic etc.
The evaluation of what is observable in NVC is centered in the present, in the here and now. It makes reference only to concrete acts and not to some vague and generalised attitudes; it is dynamic because it relates to what is alive in us at that very moment, or what is going on with us in regards to our feelings and needs at that moment. This being said, in NVC, our observable behaviour, what we concretely do or say and what others do or say, is evaluated in terms of meeting or not meeting our needs, making us feel or not feel good at that given moment.
Violent communication is based on static and moralistic evaluations that when they are voiced out, they put people on the defensive because they classify and divided people into two categories: the good guys who deserve to be praised and rewarded, and the bad guys who deserve to be reprimanded and punished. In NVC, the assessment or evaluation, is based on what is happening at the present and how much it will or will not meet the needs and values of all involved in the interaction.
Fr. Jorge Amaro, IMC
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