"I am still a virgin!", "I am no longer a virgin!"
By the tone of voice and the emphasis used when a young man/woman affirms: "I am still a virgin", or "I am no longer a virgin" we discover immediately the way he/she conceptualizes and lives his/her sexuality. Regardless of them being said with sadness or pride, these two expressions point out the various misunderstandings in regard to sexuality and virginity.
The first sexual intercourse marks a woman physically, psychologically and even culturally differently compared to a man:
Physically - The woman loses her hymen, by which she is no longer physically or technically a virgin; for the man nothing is lost and nothing is gained in this respect.
Psychologically - For both, the act may have been positive, if it took place within the context of love, or negative, if it was sought only for pleasure, and even traumatic, if it was induced by violence.
Culturally - The patriarchal culture, still dominant throughout the world today, regards the first sexual act in an innocuous way or even positively in the case of a man, but negatively or even stigmatizing in case of a woman.
For many people, virginity or chastity is something that is as permanent as a castle in the sand, waiting to be surrendered to the waves of marriage, 'defended' until this takes place or simply to avoid problems. With marriage, the castle ceases to exist and therefore no longer needs to be defended.
Virginity, as synonym of chastity, is a value and a virtue both for men and for women, and is lived by both in the same way; it is therefore not physical, nor something one has at birth and soon to be lost and never to possess again. The values and virtues that distinguish us and give shape and meaning to our life are not innate, nor are they possessed naturally, on the contrary, they are the result of rigorous discipline and personal efforts with the help of God's grace.
Sigmund Freud proved that the so called chastity, purity or virginity, of children is a myth; far from living in a state of purity, an infant lives in a habitat of lust, without censure, in very subtle ways of sexual self-gratification. It is only by the fourth, fifth and sixth year of life that, through education, the child learns to conform and to live within certain standards of decency.
From that moment on, until the age of 12, 'chastity' appears to be the natural dwelling of children. With the onset of puberty, little by little, nature appears to return in full force claiming its rights.
Slaves of sexual freedom
With the studies of Freud, Wilhelm Reich and others at the end of the 19th century and the sexual revolution of the 1960s, in a short time we went from a negative vision, puritanical and Manichean, of sexuality to a vision of sexuality free from all and any moral constraints. The present day society prostituted sex, understanding it as a consumer good and using it subliminally to advertise anything; in this way, it managed to disconnect sex from reproduction, from love and even from responsibility, spreading the idea that making love is like drinking a cup of water. Not even the risk of AIDS, and other sexually transmitted diseases of the 1980s, managed to stop this permissive liberal tendency.
The society is so eroticized and permissive that most find it difficult to be chaste, especially those adolescents and young people who are awakening to the vicissitudes of sexual desire, or 'libido', as Freud called it. The first sexual experience occurs increasingly earlier and many, despite being physically ready for it, are not psychologically, morally and spiritually prepared.
The results are there for everyone to see: an elevated degree of promiscuity that leads to breaking of existing ties, divorce rate of 51% in Portugal, 43% in Canada and 40-50% in US, as well as to choosing to live together, instead of marrying.
There are fewer and fewer people who manage to pass from the purity and innocence of childhood to the matured adult chastity without going through negative, traumatic and stigmatizing sexual experiences; increasingly are those who learn from mistakes they have committed, like in Jesus' parable of the prodigal son. They undergo a similar experience to that of Adam and Eve, banished from the paradise of innocence because of their disobedience. However, the saving power of Jesus available to all secures them a second chance, a second innocence.
From prostitute to virgin
"Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." (Matt. 18:3)
There are values and virtues that children have naturally and that we adults, at Jesus' command, are called to acquire in order to enter the Kingdom of Heaven; for this to occur, in some way, we need to be born again, like Jesus advised Nicodemus. When Jesus says blessed are the poor, he is not referring to those who are born poor and live in poverty, due to their economic and financial conditions, but rather to those who are rich and decide to be poor; that is, exchanging material wealth for spiritual wealth.
The same applies to the value of innocence, virginity, or chastity for the Kingdom of Heaven; it is not a question of innate innocence or virginity, because of ignorance and lack of experience at a time when the sex hormones, testosterone and progesterone, were not at their peak of production; but rather it deals with a conscious virtue acquired by the grace of God, by prayer and by daily efforts.
The prodigal son and Mary Magdalene both learned what ‘true love’ is after having experienced something that appeared to be love, but was not. After knowing Christ, Mary Magdalene whom some scholars referred to as being a prostitute, becomes a virgin because she followed the Lord. In the same way the prodigal son, only understands what true love and freedom are after having abused both values, and having suffered the consequences.
The virgins for the Kingdom of Heaven are those who, whatever may be their past, choose to live and to love without the physical expression of love, which leads to the formation of a small human family, in order to be placed at the service of a larger human family. They choose to be and to live like Jesus, their master and their Lord, who was also a virgin so to dedicate the best of themselves, their entire being, their time and energy to the Kingdom of Heaven.
Fr. Jorge Amaro, IMC
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