Virginity or chastity is a human value that is not innate, nor temporary, nor is it something that is reserved only for priests and nuns. To be called such, human values have to be universally valid. We conclude then that all are called to live in chastity, although the practice of this virtue for each person depends on his or her fundamental choice in life.
Sexuality as a liturgy of love
Until very recently, sexuality was seen as something impure and dirty. Sexual intercourse itself, despite being the sole means for the transmission of life, was seen in a negative light. After Sigmund Freud, we started looking at our sexuality in a more positive way, surpassing even the dichotomies dirty-clean, pure-impure when referring to parts of our anatomy; in this way, today, the vast majority of people regard their bodies as pure and clean as a whole and in each of its parts.
After being dissociated from a hypothetical dark side of our nature, sexuality started also to be understood in a much broader sense beyond purely genital. Human beings are not only masculine or feminine in their anatomy, but also in their mind, personality and character. Masculinity and femininity are therefore two different and complementary ways of being, living and expressing as individuals, and not just referring to gender.
In the context of a couple the conjugal act is, and should be first and foremost, an expression of love and only then as a means of procreation and never, as was theologically understood, as a remedy for concupiscence. In the event the conjugal act is procreative, the child is, and should always be, a fruit of love and not of lust or of concupiscence.
As not all sexual acts lead naturally to transmission of life, we can conclude that, while procreation does not always follow each and every sexual act, love must always precede and accompany each and every one of these acts.
Chastity for all
During the course of history chastity, understood as abstinence, has been the distinct attribute of a few, that is, monks, priests and nuns. The same holiness understood as being the ideal and the objective for all Christians, with few exceptions, was only at reach of the groups mentioned above, because from the start they were considered to be in a better position to achieve this goal. Others were dismissed as candidates for chastity and holiness by the simple fact that they were married.
Married lay people were encouraged to imitate the clergy as much as possible, especially during Lent to include abstinence and fasting from sexual relations; some went so far as to make the vow of priestly chastity, abstaining from any forms of sexual behaviour for the rest of their lives, thus living as brothers and sisters.
As we have said, to be a universal virtue, chastity must be universally applicable to all human beings, whatever the way of being and living in life. This being so, chastity, for most people, cannot mean abstinence from sex since sex is a way to express love and unity between spouses.
In this way, chastity must be sought more in the attitudes than in the acts. All kisses, hugs and caresses can at the same time be an expression of love and of lust, all depending on the intention of the giver and the receiver. As such, there are no pure or impure, clean or dirty acts in themselves; love or lust is not found in the act itself but in the person who acts and on his or her intentions.
What's wrong with pleasure?
This is the question many young adults have asked me within the context of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. My answer has always been, "There is nothing wrong with pleasure as long as obtaining it is not the main objective of any human acts". For example, we enjoy our food and we created hundreds of different kinds of recipes to make it more pleasurable, nevertheless we are not eating for pleasure. Pleasure is not, and must not be, the main reason for eating.
Pleasure can be one of the reasons why we eat, but the first is survival and health. Those who succumb to eating for pleasure quickly ruin their health. We eat with pleasure, to attain health. When the pleasure becomes a primordial intention, it easily can fall into the dynamic of addiction, obsessive and repetitive acts on which there is no control.
What we have said regarding the relation of food-pleasure-health can be applied to the relation of sex-pleasure-love. Pleasure degrades, causes addiction and exploits people, when it is the main reason for sexual intercourse. Pleasure can, and must accompany the sexual act as it does in the act of eating, but it is love that dignifies and gives ethical value to sex.
As Erich Fromm said in his book “To Have or To Be”, Unrestricted satisfaction of all desires is not conducive to well-being, nor is it the way to happiness or even to maximum pleasure. So any enjoyable pleasure throughout life should be restricted within the limits of human nature. Abusing pleasure, whatever the type, beyond human condition and nature, shortens the life and therefore also the pleasure.
Chastity certainly means abstinence for some and sometimes for everyone. However, as a universal value or virtue proposed for all, whether married, single or religious, chastity pertains not only to sexual intercourse, but also to all our acts, thoughts and feelings; whether our sexuality is masculine or feminine, it is transversal and intrinsic to our being, as there are no thoughts, feelings and acts that are asexual.
So chaste are the religious that for the love of the Kingdom they abstain from sexual relations, as a married man who has them for the love he has for his wife. As an attitude, chastity has more to do with the purification of sex, which is putting love before pleasure, than with the absence of it.
Already in the 4th century St. Augustine gave more importance to the attitude than to the act when he said: "Ama et fac quod vis." Love and do whatever you will. To love as defined by St. Thomas Aquinas, is to will the good of the one who is loved, so the one who loves truly cannot do any harm.
Fr. Jorge Amaro, IMC
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