Self-empathy and empathy for others
Both the expression of our own feelings and needs and the empathic hunch about the feelings and needs of others are grounded in a particular state of consciousness that is the heart of the Nonviolent Communication. This state of consciousness is nourished by empathy for others and empathy for ourselves.
Both in the New Testament as quoted above as in the Old Testament (Leviticus 19:18), the Bible has already foreseen that it is not possible to love one’s neighbour without loving oneself, and vice versa it is not possible to love oneself (with a healthy, non-narcissistic love) without loving one’s neighbour.
The esteem for self and the esteem for others are intimately connected; the measure we apply to others is the measure we apply to ourselves. Empathy consists of extending to others the same compassion that we have for ourselves in using the four components of NVC. This means looking closely into the other person’s feelings and needs which may be disguised and hidden behind the interpretations, analyses and judgments that he makes of us, himself, or society at large.
The application of NVC implies an intention to connect compassionately with ourselves and with others, and an ability to keep our attention centered on the present moment – which includes being aware that at times in this present moment we are recalling the past, or imagining a future possibility. In other words, it is to connect compassionately with what is alive in us and in others, or what is happening in us and in others at the level of feelings and needs in the here and now.
“But I say to you that listen, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you…” Luke 6:27
Neither self-empathy nor empathy for others are easy to put into practice; the structures of power teach us to hate ourselves as much as we hate others. In times of calm, this practice may be relatively easy, but in times of stress, or internal or external conflict, the reptilian hatred can make us reluctant and make it difficult to access empathy and compassion for ourselves as well as for others. It is only with lots of practice, which implies that there are times when we will fail, that there will be occasions of success that will be total if we stay on course.
Enemies do not exist, others or rivals are not truly our enemies because like us, they only seek to fulfill their needs. Therefore, when we are not afraid to genuinely and honestly express our feelings and needs, even knowing that it makes us vulnerable and indigent, we are appealing to the empathy and compassion of the other person because needs and feelings are universal. Afterwards, when eventually we do make our requests known, neither in an aggressive nor arrogant nor submissive but in an assertive way, the other will very likely respond positively. It will be the compassion and empathy that we ignite in them that will help them connect to their neocortex and thus conquer on their own and overcome their reptilian selfishness.
Receiving empathically
NVC is a two-way street; we have previously described the four components of NVC in connection with ourselves, that is, what we observe, feel, and need, and what request we make of others to enrich our lives. Now it is applying these same four components to others by listening to their observations, feelings, needs and appeals or requests; this is what is called receiving empathically.
In Nonviolent Communication half of the process is learning to express oneself using the four components; the other half is learning how to listen and respond to others in the mold of the four components in order to establish connection with what is happening in the other person at that precise moment on the level of feelings and needs.
The empathic connection allows us to supersede appearances to contemplate and connect with the intrinsic beauty in the other person, with the divine energy operating in him, with what’s alive in him. The objective of the empathic connection, however, is not to intellectually understand the other person; it is not to go out of the forest so we can see and analyse it better, or to abstract ourselves from it. Conversely, to understand someone intellectually is to stop being empathic with him; when we mentally analyse the other we are not with him.
Empathy is staying, feeling, or being with someone; it is a respectful understanding of what the other person is experiencing at the present moment. It is in this sense how the non-directive psychotherapy of Carl Rogers, Rosenberg’s teacher, works. The silent active presence and the empathic compassionate listening of the psychotherapist, before the client’s outburst, consoles (derived from Latin cum solis or to stay with) and comforts (from Latin cum fortis or to make strong), strengthens and energizes the client so that he himself finds the solution to his problems.
Frequently, instead of empathy, of placing ourselves side by side with the other, we assume a position of authority as if we are the parent or teacher, and begin to give advice or display what we are thinking or feeling. The belief that we have to fix or solve other people’s problems, or make them feel better, prevents us from staying empathically with them. With his typical sense of humour and irony, Rosenberg says that when it comes to giving advice, we should never do it, unless the one making the request submits a petition in writing signed by a notary. Let us see in the following example what empathy is and is not:
- I’m uglier than a mule – says the young girl as she looks into the mirror.
- No, you are the most gorgeous creature God has ever created – answers the father with a quick solution not in like with NVC.
- Are you feeling disillusioned with your appearance today? – this is an empathic reaction in line with NVC.
The norms of the non-directive psychotherapy
The norms of the non-directive psychotherapy when applied perfectly:
The therapist sits in front of the client without a table or any other obstacles between them; he maintains an open posture which means without crossing his legs; he is relaxed, but not overly so otherwise it could transmit disinterest to the client; seated neither too close nor too far from the client, by the virtue of the territorial instinct; observing all the bodily movements of the client not just his eyes and giving him feedback, asking for examples, “I see that you have a closed fist, what does it mean to you?
Do not leave the client dwelling too long in the past, bring him back to the present moment by asking: How is it affecting you now, how do you feel now? Ask open-ended explorative questions for which the answer can never be a simple yes or no; for a greater understanding of the discourse, paraphrase what the client says: I hear you say that… I realize that according to you… Are you feeling irritated and disillusioned because… The questions are made in a way the client can make himself clearer and not to satisfy the curiosity of the therapist.
Barriers to empathy
There are inappropriate statements that end up putting a barrier between the one who hears and the one who speaks, hampering their communication. This type of reaction or affirmation on our part often shows disrespect to the thoughts and feelings of the other person. In order to improve the ability to relate well, it is important to recognize these barriers, because once they are identified it is easier to avoid them.
- Advice or teach – “I think you should...” “Why didn’t you do…?” We are not to diagnose nor hand out recipes; we simply help the other to come to his own conclusions, see the lessons learned from the process and the possible solutions.
- Express intolerance, disgust, and disapproval – The other person will feel rejected.
- Moralistic – Statements that judge the acts of others whether good or bad, or what they say is appropriate or inappropriate.
- Discount and reject the feelings of others – “This is nothing, I have been through worse…” “You should not feel this way…” The other person may even feel relieved for a moment, but the feeling will come back.
- Educate – “Look at it this way, it could even turn into a very positive experience if you…”
- Pseudo-consolation – “It was not your fault, you did your best…”
- Tell stories – “This reminds me of the time when I…”
- Denial – “Be happy, don’t feel sad…”
- Ask too many questions to satisfy our curiosity – “When did this happen to you?”
- Correcting – “That’s not how it happened…”
- What’s the point if you never listen? – When the other person asks for an opinion.
- Are you feeling sad because you think I don’t understand you? – The focus is on what he thinks and not on what he needs, in addition to the feeling of guilt in “I don’t understand you”. The correct way from the NVC point of view would have been, “Are you feeling sad because you need to be heard?” because the focus is now placed on your need and not on me as if I have done something wrong.
In NVC, we are not to worry about what people say, nor the way they say it, because we know beforehand that everything they say can be translated into observations, feelings, needs and requests. In his workshops, Rosenberg never tired of repeating that over thousands of years of history, since the human beings learned to speak, everything that they say and continue to say to this day boils down to two expressions:
“Please…” in expressing observations, feelings and needs that end in a request, and, therefore, an opportunity or means to enrich life, and make it more wonderful.
“Thank you” in recognizing with gratitude, and at the same time celebrating life, because their needs were met.
The empathy of Jesus
Jesus’ empathy and his ability to actively listen is revealed throughout the Scripture, here we present a few:
Jesus did not judge Zacchaeus (Luke 19:1-10), on the contrary, he had a positive and welcoming regard for him, and because he did not judge him, it was Zacchaeus who then accuses himself and finds a solution to his own problem. Nor did Jesus judge the woman caught in flagrant adultery (John 8:1-10) for when a person is hurt the last thing they want is to be judged! Jesus was compassionate, he defended her, and he descended so she could ascend. Similarly, Jesus cried tears of compassion for his friend Lazarus, showing empathy for the suffering of his sisters.
Jesus’ encounter with the Samaritan woman at the well stands out as a detailed account of interpersonal action. Enough is revealed in the account about the thoughts and feelings of the two participants to rebuild the encounter as a study case in psychotherapy. From the superficial and trivial to the more profound, this encounter reveals Jesus’ skills as a psychotherapist.
Jesus led the woman through a series of steps towards psychological and spiritual integrity. Firstly, Jesus accepted the shunned and marginalized woman as a person. In addition to violating all the taboos of that time which stood between him and the woman, Jesus respected her individuality, and was not intimidated, nor reacted negatively to her veiled sarcasm. Jesus let the woman set the initial tone and direction of their conversation; in this way, he let her understand that she is accepted as a unique person and with the potential to grow as a person.
Secondly, Jesus let her confess (clarify better) her personal needs. A condemnation at the outset, by a look or word, would have been the expected response from a Rabbi towards a woman of questionable reputation as she seemed to be. In fact, the woman’s first question to Jesus implied that she doubted his real motive of asking for a drink. Jesus, however, let her choose her own time to reveal the depth of her need. When the woman eventually did, she opened up completely by letting him know that she wanted to turn her life around.
Thirdly, Jesus provided insights into the woman’s intimate life by probing into her sordid past. If she was not prepared to face the truth, Jesus’ question would have been premature and even harmful. But it was not so, Jesus used the trauma of exposing her intimate life in order to end her vicious circle of marriage-divorce-marriage by exposing her feeling of guilt.
Fourthly, Jesus freed the woman from the feeling of guilt, which he had promised before, to satisfy her compulsive thirst for love.
The use of empathy to counteract danger
Rosenberg recounts how a girl managed to counteract her potential rapist by using NVC:
Assailant – Take off your clothes!
Girl – (Noticing that he was shaking) It seems to me that you are nervous…
Assailant – Are you deaf? I say it again, take off your clothes!
Girl – I’m sensing that you’re really irritated and you want me to do what you’re telling me.
Assailant – You’re dammed right, and you’re going to get hurt if you don’t.
Girl – I’d like you to tell me if there’s some other way of meeting your needs that wouldn’t hurt me.
Assailant – I said take them off.
Girl – I can hear how much you want this, but I want you to know how scared and horrible I feel, and how grateful I’d be if you’d leave without hurting me.
Assailant – Give me your purse.
The girl handed the purse to him relieved that the assailant had not raped her. Later she recognized that each time she empathized with her aggressor his intention of violating her began to lose ground. This is one of those situations in which it is very difficult to empathize with the other person. But it is a fact that when we discover and empathize with the feelings and needs of the one in conflict with us, we no longer see an enemy but a person.
Fr. Jorge Amaro, IMC
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