Feelings versus needs
Needs are the main motivation for both human and animal behaviours. If feeling is the smoke then need is the fire; where there is smoke, there is fire and vice versa.
Or another way of looking at it, a feeling is like a thermometer which measures the temperature of the body and detects whether or not there is a fever. If I feel my body temperature rise, it means that something is wrong inside of my body, it might be an infection that needs to be taken care of.
Pain or pleasure is only a symptom, a reaction of the body; what has brought it on must be found within the body itself. For example, I feel hungry I need food, I feel cold I need shelter, etc. Likewise, sadness or gladness, fear or courage are reactions of the spirit; what has caused them must be inquired within our soul. I feel loneliness I need company, I feel uneasiness I need reassurance etc.
Feelings are almost always caused by needs (or values) that are perceived as been fulfilled or unfulfilled. They are usually “provoked” by the internal and external perceptions of events. However, feelings of anger, guilt and shame are the exceptions since they are caused by internal evaluations and interpretations of external happenings. For example, anger results when I perceive that something or someone is wrong.
Taking responsibility for our feelings
After identifying our feelings by separating them from our thoughts, the next step is to assume responsibility for them. We can do this a priori when we are convinced that others cannot make us feel this or that way; they can trigger a feeling but they cannot produce it; feelings are ours, truly ours and we are left with no other alternative than to take ownership of them. What others do can stimulate our feelings or emotions, but they are not the cause of these feelings or emotions.
To assume our feelings a priori is not enough, this will not fully convince us; this can only be done when we assume them a posteriori as well, that is, when we discover the personal needs that are producing them; it is only in this way that we avoid the temptation of blaming others for our feelings.
Unfortunately, we tend to follow a wrong process, instead of doing an introspective exercise and investigate where the smoke comes from to discover the fire at its source, and instead of inquiring what need is producing this feeling, we do the opposite. We often do an extrospection exercise, looking outside of ourselves and blaming others for our feelings, searching for a scapegoat.
Denial of responsibility by the use of impersonal pronouns
Out of fear or courtesy, oftentimes we shake off the responsibility for our feelings by accusing no one directly. For example: “It really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures.” However, when we discover the unfulfilled need to which our feeling is pointing at, then we can transform that previous sentence into the following one: “I feel infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in our public brochures, because I want our company to project a professional image.”
Denial of responsibility by mentioning only the actions of others
Another way of shaking off responsibility for our feelings is mentioning the actions of others in the hope that they will take the blame and do what we want them to do. Here is an example of that: “Mommy is disappointed when you don’t finish your food.” This is an affective blackmail that may force the other to act out of guilt.
Taking responsibility for our feelings in this case would be to mention the need that caused the feeling thus freeing the other person of guilt: “Mommy feels disappointed when you don’t finish your food, because I want you to grow up strong and healthy.”
Denying our responsibility by blaming others
When I'm logged out of my needs, I tend to blame other people for my feelings by using expressions like: "I feel… because YOU ..." Example: "I feel angry because you didn’t show up for our scheduled appointment.”
On the contrary, when we connect with our needs, we realize that it is these unmet needs that are the real cause of our feelings: "I feel ... because I…" Example: “I felt angry when you did not show up for our scheduled appointment because I had something very important to share with you.”
When we express our feelings by taking responsibility for our experience, this helps others to hear what’s important to us, with less likelihood of them hearing a criticism or a blame. This increases the likelihood that they will respond in a positive way that will meet both of our needs.
Four options when receiving negative messages
We experience positive feelings when our needs are attended to and are met, and negative feelings when these same needs are not attended to and are not met.
“You never want to spend time with me… why are you being so selfish?”
When someone, whether verbally or nonverbally, expresses a negative message, we have four options as how to receive this message:
By blaming ourselves – We accept the other person’s assessment as truthful and final, and we let it affect our self-esteem; the feeling of guilt, shame or depression can undermine the way we conceptualize ourselves. Whatever we do for the other person, in an attempt to compensate for our selfishness, will not help either us or the other person because it is done out of guilt.
By blaming others – When we blame others for our feelings, we tend to trigger feelings of guilt in others. They may even make an effort to meet these needs of ours, but they do so not voluntarily but prompted by a feeling of guilt, so that at the end both, the one whose needs are in question and the one trying to fulfill these needs, are going to pay a high price for this “violent” compromise.
By sensing our own feelings and needs – “When I hear you say that I am selfish, I feel hurt because I need some recognition for what I have done for you.” When we turn inward and focus our attention on our own feelings and needs, we become aware that our ongoing pain stems from our need for recognition of our efforts and not from the criticism that was made.
By sensing others’ feelings and needs – A fourth option is to peer closely with empathy at the feelings and needs behind the negative criticism directed at us. Here we are called to read between the lines, to turn our attention not so much on what the person is saying but rather on what he wants to say.
We are called to psychoanalyze what others are saying; Nonviolent Communication provides us with an X-ray vision to see into a criticism, or even an insult, as a tragic expression of unmet feelings and needs of the person who made it.
In this specific case, by listening to the negative criticism empathetically and without taking it personally, we can ask, “Do you feel hurt because you have not been given proper attention or you are needing more consideration of your tastes or preferences?”
Things are very different when we accept full responsibility for our own feelings and we express the need that brought them on instead of blaming others for what goes on in our own soul, as in the case of the following example:
“You disappointed me for not showing up last night” – In this case we are reporting a fact, expressing our feeling, and blaming and making the other responsible for it. Oftentimes our aim is to make the other person feel guilty so that he will reward us in order to redeem himself from his guilt. If he doesn't, our resentment grows and can result in an open conflict. On the other hand, if he complies with our desire we will both pay for it sooner or later, because whatever he did, it was done out of the negative energy of guilt and not the positive energy of giving from the heart, and feeling good for contributing to the goodness of the other.
“I felt disappointed when I didn’t see you last night as I was in need to share with you something very important to me.” – On the contrary, when I honestly express my feelings along with the underlying needs without blaming the other, I am more likely to encounter acceptance and empathy from the other person, being more likely that he will attend to the request that might follow.
One must understand that the feeling of disappointment does not come from the fact that the other person did not show up, but from the fact that one of our needs was not met. With the NVC eyes and ears I don't see nor hear a “NO” to the fulfillment of my need, but a “YES” to the fulfillment of his/her needs (which are also mine because I love the other person the very same way I love myself) that made it impossible for him to come last night.
Make yourself responsible and take ownership of any feeling that arises in you. If it arises in you then it is yours; feelings are not aerial, they do not travel through air; they are terrestrial, they come from inside of you, so look within for their cause and origin. When you do and find a need that is not being met, come to terms with the fact that it was also an unmet need that made the other say what he said or do what he did.
In NVC we must never forget and bear always in our minds that our and others’ analyses, evaluations, criticisms, and perceived negative behaviours are simply tragic, alienated and alienating expressions of unmet and unconscious needs. If we all take the time to discover the needs underlying our feelings, we need not express our feelings so tragically or violently as we frequently do.
What are needs?
Our needs are expressions of our deepest shared humanity. All human beings share key needs for survival: hydration, nourishment, rest, shelter, and connection to name a few. We also share many other needs, though we may experience them to varying degrees and varying intensities at different moments.
In the context of NVC, needs refer to what is most alive in us, that is, our core values and deepest human longings. Understanding, naming, and connecting with our needs help us improve our relationship with ourselves, as well as foster a better understanding with others, so we are all more likely to take actions that will meet everyone’s needs.
Feelings and needs are a language of life. However, we have been educated in domination cultures for 10,000 years in such a way that we are not connected to our needs because people do not make good slaves to authority if they are alive and fully aware of their feelings and needs. We have a cultural training that makes it shameful to have needs.
The domination system wants us to deny our needs by telling us that needs are burdensome because needs make us dependent on others. Why does the domination system induce us into making this association? Because in so doing it tells another group of people to sacrifice their needs. So, in order to have my needs satisfied somebody else has to sacrifice theirs.
In my own life, I can accept that my mother gave up her own needs in order to satisfy mine about 10% of time; but I believe that in the other 90% that whatever she did for me was done out of love, pure unconditional love. This makes it hard for me to trust people, because I never know for sure that I am given out of love or out of other reasons that make me debtor of the one who gives me.
The doctrine and the ideology of the domination system are based on a world that is scarce in which we live codependent of each other. The reality, as NVC tells us, is precisely the opposite; we are interdependent and we live in a world that is rich with enough resources to meet the needs of everyone without the need of sacrifice.
Those who acknowledge and satisfy their needs are labelled as self-centered. The domination system in an evil way tries to make us forget about ourselves, our feelings and needs, so that we will be altruistic robots at its service. For instance, women are educated to forget about their personal needs once they are married and have children, and to sacrifice their personal lives for the benefit of their families. Brave men have no needs and are willing to sacrifice their lives for their country, their king, their flag…
Despite all these attempts to hide or deny needs, they do exist and they refer to the resources necessary to sustain and enrich life. Once again we state that human nature is immutable; it does not change over time or space. Therefore like feelings, human needs are universal, they transcend cultural customs, latitudes and longitudes as well as historical conditioning over time.
Needs are often expressed in terms of ethical or moral values, there is in fact a true equivalence between these two concepts. A need exists in reference to a value, just as a moral value exists in reference to a need.
In NVC, the needs or values are highlighted as being the most important component for a compassionate connection with the other. The quality of the connection, intended in Nonviolent Communication, is unlikely to occur as long as we do not connect at this level with ourselves and with others.
Nine basic needs
What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? Mark 8: 36-37
The health of the so-called "healthy economies" is inversely proportional to the disease of the workers who sustain them. What good is there for people to have a healthy economy at the expense of their own physical, psychological, moral and spiritual health? What is more important, the economy or the people?
Manfred Max-Neef, the father of ‘Barefoot Economics’, developed an economic system based on the satisfaction of nine basic human needs. According to him, economic success is not based on how much money you make but on how these basic human needs are met for everyone involved. Fundamentally what matters in an economy is not the wealth produced, but the quality of life that is provided for the people covered by that economy.
- Sustenance – air, water, food, exercise, rest, sexual expression
- Safety – shelter, protection, security
- Love – to love and to be loved, trust, respect, integrity, honesty
- Empathy – solidarity, understand and be understood from one’s point of view
- Amusement – recreation, play, practice hobbies
- Community - interdependency, belonging, affiliation
- Creativity – Creating new things, innovating
- Autonomy – freedom, independence, self determination, self-esteem
- Meaning & purpose - Need to contribute to life, it is important to live our lives fully
Sometimes we describe our feelings with nouns or even verbs, let us see how they can be described:
Evaluations
|
Feelings
|
Needs
|
I feel abandoned
|
hurt,
sad, lonely
|
connection,
company, help, belonging
|
I feel attacked
|
fear,
challenged, hostile
|
consideration,
safety
|
I feel humiliated
|
angry,
hurt, disillusioned
|
respect,
appreciation
|
I feel betrayed
|
angry,
disillusioned
|
trust,
honour, honesty, commitment
|
Accused
|
confused,
afraid, hostile
|
justice,
accountability
|
Harassed
|
fear,
pressured, cornered
|
autonomy,
safety, consideration
|
Deceived
|
resentful,
angry, hurt
|
honesty,
justice, trust, faith
|
Criticized
|
wounded,
anxious, frustrated, humiliated
|
comprehension,
recognition, respect
|
Ignored
|
lonely,
hurt, sad, embarrassed, anxious
|
respect,
consideration, recognition, inclusion, belonging
|
Insulted
|
irritated,
embarrassed
|
respect,
consideration, recognition
|
Intimidated
|
fearful,
anxious
|
safety,
equality, validation
|
Isolated
|
lonely,
fear
|
belonging,
communion, inclusion, contribution
|
Judged
|
resentful,
fear, hurt
|
justice,
equality, consideration
|
Manipulated
|
irritated,
powerless, frustrated
|
trust,
equality, authenticity
|
Misunderstood
|
worried,
frustrated
|
to be
heard, clarity, understanding
|
Provoked
|
angry, hostile,
resentful
|
respect,
consideration
|
Needs and values
Nonviolent Communication, as illustrated in the figure accompanying this article, separates needs into groups: survival, protection, sense, autonomy, inter-dependency, honesty, empathy, well-being, regeneration, and transcendence.
Maslow places these same needs in a hierarchical pyramid with the perspective of what is most important and most urgent at the base of the pyramid, with an understanding that human beings do not have, for example, a need for personal fulfillment until they have satisfied the basic needs.
The fulfillment of a lower need leads them to feel the next higher needs, and so on, moving upward in the pyramid; and vice versa, the non-satisfaction of the need immediately below leads to not feeling the urge for the need immediately above.
So at the base of the pyramid are the physiological needs, followed in an upward movement by the needs for safety, social needs, status needs, self-actualization, and spiritual or transcendence needs.
For NVC, needs and values are synonymous; however, when referring to the body, that is, those at the lower levels in the Maslow pyramid, it is more common to designate them as needs; on the other hand, when referring more to the spirit, those at the higher levels in the Maslow pyramid, it is more common to designate them as values.
It is also important to mention that NVC practices or takes for granted the practice of the second commandment of love, that is, to “love your neighbour as yourself”. In fact, the needs of others are seen and taken as my own needs and vice versa: I need you to eat well, to be loved, respected… In NVC, we do not want God for ourselves and the devil for others, because we know that if the other loses we also lose.
It is in our own interest that we should not be self-centered; selfishness brings advantage to no one, not even to the self-centered. Nobody has ever been or will ever be truly happy at the expense of somebody else. As the theologian Paul Tillich has said, “Cruelty towards others, is always cruelty towards ourselves.”
Rosenberg goes so far as to say that, “Our survival as a species depends on our ability to recognize that our well-being and the well-being of others are in fact one and the same.”
Needs – strategies – preferences – desires
Needs are the principal qualities and values that we all share as human beings, they are what drive our actions and behaviours. From the point of view of NVC, all human behaviours arise from attempts to fulfill human needs. All that human beings ever did or do is to fulfill their needs.
Needs are the end or the objective to attain, strategies are the means to reach that end, preferences are the ways to meet a need and desires are these very ways projected into the future. Needs are universal, while strategies are not, they vary from person to person, from generation to generation, from culture to culture; in fact, needs make no reference to a specific person doing a specific task; this would be a strategy not a need.
A strategy or preference is a specific method to satisfy a need. For example, when we say “I need your love”, we are confusing need with strategy. In this case, the need is to love and to be loved, the other person is only a strategy to satisfy that need. It is necessary to take into account that there are a thousand and one strategies for the fulfillment of this need.
To confuse needs with strategies, in the case of love, can even be dangerous. “I need your love” may well lead to passionate crimes or even suicides. No one is indispensable, the need for love can very well be met by an untold number of people. We confuse real life needs with strategies, preferences and desires. Needs are universal, strategies, preferences and desires are personal or individual, cultural and may even vary from one generation to the next.
The key to identifying, expressing, and connecting with needs is to focus on words that describe shared human experiences rather than words that describe the particular strategies to meet those needs. Whenever we include a person, a location, an action, a time, or an object in our expression of what we want, we are describing a strategy rather than a need. For example: “I want you to come to my birthday party” may be a particular strategy to meet a need for love and connection. In this case, we have a person, an action, an implied time and location in the original statement.
The grammar of love in NVC
- Do you love me?
- Before I answer I need to know, are you using the word “love” as a feeling?
- Of course
- In NVC it is a need not a feeling; but since we are now clear about it can you ask me again?
- Do you love me?
- When?
- When?
- Well yes since feelings change so often from one minute to the next I need to know which moment you are referring to
- Hummm… What about right now?
- NO, but ask me later maybe I’ll have a different answer…
(by Marshall Rosenberg)
Over the centuries, LOVE has been featured at the same time as a need, a feeling and an action; that's why the word "love" can be used simultaneously as a noun, an adjective and a verb. In NVC however, the same reality cannot be a need, a feeling and an action at the same time. Feelings warn us about needs that are met if they are positive or unmet if they are negative; similarly, actions are required or motivated by needs.
In NVC, love is not an action because other than it being a verb, love is a noun and a need that motivates all sorts of actions that lead the individual to meet the need to love and be loved. As St. Thomas Aquinas says, love is wanting the good of the other. In this sense, love translates itself into the good deeds that we do unto others and others do unto us.
Love is not a feeling either, because grammatically it can be an adjective that qualifies a noun, but in reality love is a whole lot deeper than that. As Rosenberg says, feelings are very volatile and ephemeral; with the exception of grief, we cannot feel a feeling for more than 40 seconds. Of course, love does involve feelings because these tell us whether the need to love and be loved is being or not being met. For example, the feeling of empathy tells me that my need for love is being satisfied; on the contrary, the feeling of jealousy tells me that my need to be loved is not being satisfied.
In conclusion, the need of love does raise feelings, but not a particular one as it raises all types of feelings; it also does lead the person to act, but not to perform a single, specific action; the acts of love are many and varied.
Being the highest non-physical human need, for NCV love is a noun, a need, and like all other needs it seeks to be fulfilled. The need for food, for example, is felt both in our psyche and in our body; once we feel hunger it prompts us to do something to meet it. The same happens with the need to love and be loved; it is felt in our psyche and prompts us to act accordingly in order to meet it. For a child, the priority is seeking to be loved, although he is already able to love; for an adult, the priority is seeking someone to love, although he needs to be loved as well.
Love is a universal need and as such it makes no reference to a particular person doing a specific task. Every human need has a thousand and one ways or strategies to fulfill it. In the case of the need to love and be loved, in theory the world has 7 billion people who can meet this need in us. However, this seems to contradict the way romantic love is conceptualized, and in NVC we do not confuse strategies or preferences with needs.
So, the various ways to satisfy the need to love and be loved, as well as the people we choose to meet this need, pertain to the scope of the strategies or preferences, therefore in principle they have nothing to do with the need itself.
Expressions such as "I'm madly in love with you", "I need your love", and "without you I can't live" seem to confuse need with preference. Even when these expressions are genuine, and even when with the passing of time love can be confused with the loved one and become a single reality, even there and for the sake of clarity, love is still the need, the beloved the preference; that is to say, from the 7 billion of potential lovers and recipients of my love, I choose you, I prefer you.
Needs recognition exercises
“You annoy me when you forget the company documents in the conference room” – This statement seems to assume that the other person’s behaviour is responsible for the feelings of the speaker. It does not reveal either the thoughts or the needs that are under the feeling of irritation. To do so, he would have said, “I get annoyed when you leave company documents in the conference room because I need that our documents to be kept safely”.
“I am disappointed because you said that you would do it but you did not” – There is an implicit accusation here; to express feelings and needs, the speaker should have said, “When you said that you would do it and then did not, I was disappointed because I need to be able to trust your words.”
“I feel intimidated when you raise your voice” – The speaker to be faithful to his feelings and needs should have said, “When you raise your voice, I am afraid that someone will get hurt and I need to know that everyone here is safe.”
“I am happy that you received that award” – To express the feelings and needs behind this statement, I would have said, “When you received that award, I was happy because I was waiting for you to be recognized for all the work you did in the project.”
“I am grateful that you gave me a ride yesterday because I needed to get home before my children” – This statement is a perfect affirmation of feelings and needs.
Fr. Jorge Amaro, IMC
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