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| One of the NVC logos |
“New Year, new life” – To do justice to this proverb, this year I am going to write about a way of living that I want to progressively adopt as I research and write about it. Frankly speaking, this is probably the main reason why I chose this theme for the 2018 blog.
I am researching and writing about this topic to convince myself that up until now, I have been living in a wrong way, so this year will be for me the novitiate in this alternative way of living. If by these writings others also come to the same conclusion, then so much the better. As Mahatma Gandhi said, “We must be the change we want to see in the world”.
The initials NVC stand for Non-Violent Communication. I first learned about this type of communication in a Bible course that I took in Jerusalem, and quickly realized the potential this theory has to transform the lives of individuals, and eventually the society and the world as a whole.
According to its founder, Marshall Rosenberg, NVC is not just a form of communication, nor does it refer only to non-violence. More than just a simple theory or technique, NVC is a whole new philosophy of life and a new way of communication that is based on a new worldview, that is, a whole new way of thinking, feeling and looking at life, and everything about it.
Marshall Rosenberg (1934-2015) was an American Jew who graduated from Clinical Psychology, but at the start of his career as a psychotherapist, he quickly realized that the analysis, psychoanalysis and diagnosis of anger and other psychological problems that people presented to him did not lead to the changes that he and his patients wanted and needed most. Rosenberg realized that the problem was more systemic than specific to this or that person, and for this reason the solution to the problems also needed to be systemic.
Non-violent communication strives to be an alternative way of communication, a brand new language to tackle individual and social violence, and create a new culture, a new world, the Kingdom of God on earth in Christian terms. Meanwhile, we are aware that the language we have been using since the beginning of civilization is violent, because we are violent, not by nature but by education. We are violent, because we grow up and are educated in a society whose social structures and institutions are based on a violent worldview and culture.
The success of using the NVC process in psychotherapy prompted Rosenberg to run NVC workshops thus reaching many more people. From then on, the founder of NVC traveled around the world to teach and get people to speak this new language, especially in areas of conflict. The success has been enormous. All who came in contact with NVC sooner or later realized that they had lived in error, and smiled hopefully at the possibility of living a fuller, more genuine and happier life.
How we are called to live
As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. (Colossians 3:12-13)
Rosenberg realizing that he was dealing with a global issue, a question arose in his mind: how are we really meant to live? Given that this question could not be answered in the field of psychology, he turned to religion. In all the religions he studied, he found the word compassion in them; so, he came to the conclusion that we are meant to live compassionately with ourselves and with others.
In the Judeo-Christian tradition, God’s compassion for his people is unconditional (Isaiah 54:10). For Jesus, it was natural to feel compassion for the people who crossed his path; it is why Jesus felt compassion for the multitudes who walked like sheep without a shepherd (Matthew 9:35-38) and the two blind men sitting on the fringe of the road of life, unable because of blindness to fully participate in it (Matthew 20:29-34).
The concepts and tools of the non-violent communication are designed to help us think, hear and speak in ways that arouse compassion and generosity inside of us and towards others. NVC helps us to interact in ways that lead us to feel more alive, genuine and in solidarity.
The way of thinking and the techniques necessary to live compassionately are very different from the ways that we have been taught over the centuries.
How we have lived
Without even noticing, far from communicating compassionately with ourselves and with others, we have been using a language that is offensive and violent: it injures, and causes and feeds conflicts. The language that most human beings use is a static language, based on the misuse and abuse of static verbs, like the verb to BE, used to judge, interpret, diagnose, classify and label people we meet. We have the bad habit of pointing out the faults of others, telling them what is wrong with them and giving them advice on how they should be.
Since ancient times, we humans have used a language that promotes internal and external conflict, the cold or open warfare, passive or explosive aggression and so we live in a world of exploiters and exploited, masters and slaves, dominant and dominated – neither one nor the other is happy; neither the promoters nor the sufferers of war live in peace; as the saying has it, “Those who go to war, give out and take in (violence)”.
We have been educated in structures of power in which some judge themselves superior to others, snatching for themselves the prerogative to label what is good or evil, right or wrong, just or unjust, adequate or inadequate. Those who submit and obey the rules imposed on them are called good, those unwilling to submit or rebel against the rules are called bad or evil. Justice in this world is retributive; the good, those who obey, are rewarded and the bad, those who disobey, are punished. NVC confronts and exposes this fallacy in the language and behaviour that underlies this worldview.
A language that evaluates and labels
The times when we can observe without giving an opinion, evaluation or judgment do not happen very often. Our culture abuses too much the usage of the verb to be, because we are addicted to labeling and framing everything we observe. Because one has killed a dog, now everyone calls him a dog-killer, and so on, we put labels on everything and everyone we see: so and so is selfish, lazy, vain, mean, a liar…
The use and abuse of the verb to be tie people to a static identity, and prevent them from growing, discovering and changing into their true self. As time goes on, our eyes cloud over with prejudices that blind us like cataracts to reality, until we end up only seeing what we want to see, and hearing what we want to hear.
A language that denies responsibility and the ability to choose
The use and abuse, with ourselves and with others, of expressions such as “I have to do this or that whether I like it or not” and “It is my duty to do such a thing…” remove our freedom, and make us slaves to duty and subject to something that is not of our choice.
The denial or abdication of our choice and decision-making capacity, has the immediate result of denying responsibility for acts we commit. As it is not really our choice, we do not answer or feel responsible for what we do.
In this frame of mind, millions of Jews were murdered in gas chambers during the Second World War as those who killed them defended themselves in court by saying that they were only following orders, thus desensitizing themselves to the atrocities that they had carried out. Today we use the same method when we say: they are orders from the boss, it is the rule or the constitution or company policy…
A coercive language that threatens with punishment
People who are forced to do things out of fear of being punished or out of shame or guilt, feel debased, as they realize that someone can punish them and make them suffer if they do not comply.
Those who are forced or coerced into performing certain tasks, even when they are well performed, as well as those who demanded them with threats of punishment, pay a very high price because violence can only generate violence; on the road of violence, compassionate giving and receiving can never be achieved.
A language that seduces with rewards
The same can be said when a task to be accomplished is motivated by a reward that we yearn and expect to receive. Also in this case, the motive is not compassion, nor the joy to contribute to the good of others. Doing something to receive reward does not come from the energy that aims to enrich our lives and that of others.
Whoever does something in order to get paid will stop doing it once the pay stops; whereas “whoever runs for the joy of running, does not tire”. Both the tasks motivated by rewards as well as the tasks motivated by punishment are violent; as neither are voluntary, that is, by free choice, they do not enrich the life of the one who orders them nor do they enrich the lives of those who execute them. On the contrary, they impoverish the lives of both because they establish human relations of inequality that are born out of violence thus generating more violence.
To live compassionately
Language is the interaction between words and concepts; intelligence is the interaction between neurons. Throughout the millions of years of human evolution, language and intelligence have evolved in parallel. It is unthinkable for intelligence to exist without language and language without intelligence; even so, it is not a chicken or egg question. A baby learns to talk and with this learning he is, at the same time, educated; education would not be possible without the use of language.
We could consider changing our lives first and only then learn a new language suited to this new way of living. However, since the baby is educated at the same time he learns how to talk, let us embrace conversion, that is, let us integrate this new worldview and new way to live, as we adopt and use, with ourselves and with others, this new language that is implicit in it.
Let us learn and use the language of non-violence and the rest will follow. This is what made Rosenberg drop out of private practice in psychotherapy and instead, take to the road running workshops from town to town teaching this new language, and everyone who learned it saw their problems resolved and experienced a “metanoia” – a change of mind – followed by a change of life, without the need of any psychotherapy based on analysis or psychoanalysis.
Underlying all human actions, there are needs that seek to be fulfilled; the understanding and recognition of these needs can lead to establishing a shared basis for connection, cooperation, and, ultimately and more globally, peace.
Fr. Jorge Amaro, IMC
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