Self-Esteem

Then God said: "Let us make humankind in our image, according to our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, over the cattle, over all the wild animals of the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.” Genesis 1:26

Importance of self-esteem
Everything leads me to believe that the way I see myself is more important than the way others see me. Anwar el-Sadat

The human being is always a subject and never an object; however, in self-knowledge, the same person is both subject and object; subject because he wants to know, object because he himself is the object and objective of that knowledge. After becoming aware of ourselves, knowing ourselves and who we are, the third question is whether or not we accept ourselves as we are.  

Self-awareness and self-knowledge are more acts of our intelligence than our will. Owning and accepting ourselves is an act of the will. If knowing ourselves is like looking in the mirror, self-esteem is liking what we see, and accepting ourselves as we are. One thing is what I am objectively, that is, how others see me, another is the image I have of myself, which is always subjective, that is, how I see and value myself.

The positive or negative way a person sees himself necessarily affects the way he acts. Low self-esteem can lead to behavioral problems. For example, when ten of the spies who had been sent to explore the land of Canaan saw themselves as grasshoppers compared to the tall stature of the inhabitants of Canaan, they manifested their low self-esteem, from which and because of which they concluded that they were incapable of taking possession of the land (Numbers 13:31-33).

Genesis of self-esteem
Self-esteem is the result of all the experiences and interpersonal relationships that we have had in our lives. Each and every person we meet in the course of our lives, especially in the early years of our existence, has had a positive or negative effect on the way we see and evaluate ourselves.

A child does not know himself by what he thinks he is, but by what others tell him he is; if they tell him he is bad, then he thinks he is bad; if they tell him he is good, then he thinks he is good; if they love him unconditionally, he will come to love himself unconditionally; if they despise him, he will also despise himself.

How low self-esteem develops
Children who have been physically, sexually or verbally abused or violated; who have been used as objects or manipulated in any way; little or never caressed, constantly given negative messages about themselves; ridiculed or ignored, criticized and never praised for their successes and for doing the right thing; compared unfavorably with others. These children will suffer from low self-esteem in the future, which will not be easy to get rid of.

How self-esteem develops
On the other hand, children who are positively educated will have self-esteem, if they often hear words of praise, "I trust you", "I know you are trying hard" in the face of failure that was preceded by effort, saying "you did the best you could"; “I'm impressed with you”, “thank you for being honest”, “I’m so proud of you”…

Don't miss any opportunity to praise good work and good choices. We assume many of the things our children do without acknowledging them. Always reinforce the desired behaviors. Congratulate children when they make the right choice in any situation, do not let this go unnoticed, authenticate the act with a smile and a hug. Avoid the habit of congratulating negatively: "It's about time you did that..." This is more a humiliation than a compliment. Avoid putting children down and comparing them with other children.

Where it should not be based
To paraphrase the gospel, there are those who base their self-esteem on quicksand; on changing realities, so one day they may feel good about themselves and the next day depressed.

Physical appearance – This is not a good reason to like ourselves because we will get older. Unlike inner beauty, it is not something we can grow into, so what is a source of pride today will be a source of shame tomorrow. Furthermore, as the episode of David’s choice as a king proved, God looks at a person’s inner self and not at their external appearance (1 Samuel 16:7).

Performance – If our self-esteem is based on our performance, then it is linked to our successes and failures; it goes up when we succeed, and down when we fail. On the other hand, others can be more successful than us, so should we feel less worthy? As for my past performances, God has already forgiven me in Christ (Colossians 2:13); as for the present, he loves me unconditionally (Romans 5:8); as for the future, I am capable of all things in Him who gives me strength (Philippians 4 13).

Wealth – Material goods are another unstable foundation on which to base our self-esteem. Today we have, tomorrow we may not; the treasures of earth are subject to moth, rust and thieves. Those in heaven are protected from the vicissitudes of life. Furthermore, as Jesus says, even if a man lives in abundance, his life does not depend on his possessions (Luke 12:15).

Feedback from others – Another shaky foundation that makes us dependent on others is adapting our behaviour to what is currently popular; we become actors and not ourselves, and we cannot be happy when we are not ourselves. We seek fame and are dependent on it. We will have the experience of Christ, that is, crowds were cheering him on Palm Sunday, and soon after on Good Friday, the crowds were shouting, “Crucify him”.

Where it should be based
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt

Self-esteem is the evaluative perception of ourselves – a set of beliefs, perceptions, thoughts, evaluations, feelings and tendencies of conduct in relation to ourselves that shape and determine our way of being and acting, and how we are in the world and with others.


True self-esteem is rooted in our relationship with God... (John 1:12). True love is unconditional; God loves us unconditionally, our parents love us unconditionally, and we must love ourselves unconditionally.

Without inferiority or superiority complexes; true self-esteem is a realistic, sensible and honest view of ourselves; our virtues and our defects, our talents and our limitations, our values and our beliefs; capitalizing both on our past mistakes, understanding them as lessons learned, and our successes.

Low – we are unaware of or undervalue our talents; overvalue our limitations; we are insecure
Normal – we are self-aware, sensible, objective and make healthy self-criticism of our talents and limitations
High – we ignore or undervalue our limitations; we overvalue our talents; we are braggarts

Evidence that you do not have
Exaggerated self-criticism creates in you a habitual state of constant dissatisfaction with yourself. You are a perfectionist; you feel bad when things do not turn out as perfectly as you want. Failure can affect you deeply. You have a neurotic and scrupulous guilt complex; you condemn yourself for behaviours that are not objectively bad; you exaggerate the magnitude of your mistakes; you never completely forgive yourself. You have strong depressive and pessimistic tendency; you see everything darkness in your life, in your future; you generally lack appetite and have no zest for life.

You do not recognize your talents, you are chronically indecisive, and not for lack of information, but for an exaggerated fear of making mistakes. You do not solve your problems, on the other hand, out of an exaggerated desire to please others; you dare not say no for fear of displeasing others; you are easily influenced by others

You are hypersensitive to criticism from others, becoming resentful; but you yourself are hypercritical of others. You are irascible, get angry about everything and nothing; you like to blame others; you brag, play the clown, are aggressive and complain just to get attention.

Evidence that you have
You believe in certain values and principles, you are willing to defend them, even when faced with opposition; you have enough self-confidence to modify these values if new experiences indicate that you were wrong. You are able to act as you see fit, trusting in your own judgment, without feeling guilty when others do not share your opinion. You trust your ability to solve your own problems without being cowed by failures or difficulties. You are willing to ask others for help when you need it.

You do not waste time worrying excessively about what you have done or what happened to you in the past, or what might happen to you in the future. You learn from the past and project yourself into the future, but you live intensely in the present, in the here and now.

As a person, you feel equal to others, neither inferior or superior; you recognize differences in status, professional prestige and economic position without feeling envious. You take for granted that you are interesting and valuable to others, at least to those with whom you associate in a friendly way. You do not allow yourself to be manipulated by others, but are willing to collaborate with them if it seems necessary and convenient. You are sensitive to the feelings and needs of others; you respect sensible rules of coexistence and understand that you have no right or desire to grow or enjoy yourself at the expense of others.

Conclusion – Love God above everyone, love everyone as you love yourself, and love yourself as God loves you.

Fr. Jorge Amaro, IMC

Bullying

In 2013, right here at a school in Palmeira (Braga), a young boy committed suicide because he could no longer stand the systematic and persistent bullying to which his classmates had subjected him. Because silence is part of the problem, I want to be part of the solution at the start of this new school year with these lines. As I regularly visit schools to talk about the Mission, I want to help them better fulfill their role of forming not only intellectually but also humanely to be people who will take over the reins of our world tomorrow.

Bullying in chickens and pigs
During my years of specialization in Moral Theology or Ethics, I had a special admiration for the work of Konrad Lorenz, the founder of Ethology, the comparative study of human and animal behaviour. Without wanting to undermine human dignity, Lorenz concluded that many of our behaviours are also exhibited by animals, especially those closest to us in evolution.

The 5 million years that separate us from our closest primates, for better or for worse, have not been enough to transform or end the animality that is an integral part of our being. Although we are self-conscious, we exercise more or less control over ourselves, our feelings and thoughts, what we have in common with other living beings, our animal instinct, is by far what most motivates and determines our day-to-day behaviour.

When I was looking after laying hens, chickens and pigs, I noticed that whenever one of these animals was injured for whatever reason, the others would go and bite or poke at the wound until they killed the injured. Knowing this, as a child we would look inside the pen for any chicken or pig that had an open, bleeding wound so that we could remove it in time and put it elsewhere until the wound healed, before the others killed it.

"It never rains but it pours" says a Spanish proverb. Bullying is what hyenas do by chasing a thin, injured horse that is barely standing and is about to die. Bullying is the vulture chasing a baby, who is crawling with hunger and without energy in the Darfur refugee camp in Sudan to a place where there is food. I am referring to a photo that went around the world and caused the death, by suicide, of the photographer who won an award for it but did not help the child or know whether or not the child had been eaten by the vulture.

Bullying among humans is, in my view, modelled on this animal behaviour. Those who practice it seek out the weakest, the most timid and vulnerable colleagues, for they do not mess with the strong, with those who can stand up for themselves. If Konrad Lorenz were alive, perhaps he might validate my observations and conclude that bullying is animal behaviour after all, and therefore irrational.

This kind of behaviour does not only exist in schools. Bullying is what the Pharisees did when they brought a woman caught in adultery to Jesus to be stoned. Bullying is what the soldiers did to Jesus by kneeling in mockery in front of him crowned with thorns saying, "Hail King of the Jews"; bullying is the cruel, blood thirsty people, without pity or mercy, in front of a Jesus covered in blood shouting, "Crucify him!" Bullying has been all the lynchings in human history, when angry people turn into the most irrational beast and the most monstrous animal. Human beings can become more irrational than animals, in fact, as Lorenz noted, they are the only animals that kill within their own species just for the sake of killing.

Psychology of the bully
Most bullies are physically stronger and taller than their peers, they specifically seek out the weakest, the most timid and the least equipped to defend themselves. Ignored and abused at home, at school they strike back or seek the respect and love they do not get at home.

Those who are not loved unconditionally at home, seek this love on the street or at school in inappropriate ways, getting into trouble with others to get notice, to gain popularity and friendship, but all they get is a false love based on fear.

When they reach adulthood, they are antisocial and more prone to commit crimes, beat their wives and children, thus producing a new generation of bullies.
 
Psychology of the victim
Victims are generally more sensitive, cautious and calm than other children; they are socially inept, never initiate a conversation and isolate themselves from their peers. As they have a negative view of violence, they flee from confrontations and conflicts and radiate anxiety, fear and vulnerability, which are sniffed out by the aggressors, in the same way a dog sniff out our fear and anxiety before attacking us.

Their fear and physical weakness, low and submissive tone of voice, are part of a body language that gives them away and attracts the bullies to them. Frequently these children are rejected, not only by the bullies but also by other classmates; they end up developing a negative attitude towards school, and when they start getting bullied, they become even more anxious and fearful, which increase their vulnerability and the possibility of being further victimized, thus entering a vicious circle and spiral of stress that leads many to suicide.

The one standing at the door is as guilty as the one robbing the house
Often the victim is in such a fragile state that, out of fear or shame, he does not report the bullying or seek help, thus ends up suffering alone... for this reason, anyone who knows a case or contemplates an episode of bullying and does nothing has an added responsibility; silence and inaction make us an accomplice.

Therefore, the opposite of bullying, is not not-bullying but being a good Samaritan, helping by condemning and reporting such behaviour.  If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem; your silence makes you an accomplice and a murderer if the victim commits suicide, like that young boy did in Palmeira.

The silence of the majority of the German people in the face of the genocide of 5 million Jews made them accomplices. Mafia bosses count on the silence of those who, even by chance, are witnesses to their actions. Without silence there would be no mafia. Without silence there would be no bullying. Our silence is therefore culpable, and part of the problem because it always leads to impunity of the perpetrators and the fatality of the victims.

Fr. Jorge Amaro, IMC