The word religion comes from the Latin religare meaning to relate. Christianity consists of two types of relation: to love God above everything and everyone, and to love our neighbours as we love ourselves. These two commandments are inseparable both in theory and in practice.
It is not possible to establish a relationship with God when I have broken relations with others. As long as I do not repair these broken relations with my neighbours, God will turn His back on me; therefore, all my efforts to relate with Him will be counterproductive, that is, my efforts to establish a relationship with God will amount to nothing as long as I am angry with my neighbours. Furthermore, to paraphrase St. John, how can you ask God for forgiveness whom you cannot see, if you do not ask for forgiveness from your neighbour whom you can see.
Inevitability of conflict in human relations
Conflicts are unavoidable in human relations. Conflicts divide people into aggressors and objects of aggression. In order for peace to be restored, the aggressors need to ask for forgiveness, while the ones who have been aggressed need to forgive. To forgive and to ask for forgiveness are therefore two sides of the same coin. This is because there are times when we are the aggressors and at others we are the objects of someone’s aggression, for throughout our lives there will be plenty of occasions for all of us to ask for forgiveness and to forgive. For some it is more difficult to forgive, for others, to ask for forgiveness.
When forgiveness is not asked for or granted, the aggressor and the aggressed cannot move on and end up tied to a past that both refuse to leave behind, resulting in the pair living in a condition of continuous present perfect, that is, in a state where the action that started in the past continues into the present.
Those who do not ask for or grant forgiveness hold a grudge forever. Something that has happened in the past at a particular place is happening again and again at all times and all places since the feelings felt there and then are still being felt here and now. The offender who has not asked for forgiveness is still offending and now not only the one whom he offended but also himself, since not having asked for forgiveness has made him a victim of his own pride. The offended who is not able to forgive, on the other hand, not only is still being offended but is also paying for something that he has not done.
Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not make room for the devil. (Eph. 4:26-27)
An offense done in the past should have remained in the past; as St. Paul advises the Ephesians not to let even one day go by without interchanging forgiveness between the offender and the offended; and if we let one day go by then more likely a second day will also go by and then as St. Paul warns, we give an opportunity for evil to infest, as we start to nurse our grudge thus infecting the whole of our person.
When the offender and the offended do not take the responsibility to face each other in forgiveness, the offense nursed by both grows and drains them of their energy; it then becomes omnipresent in the mind and heart of the pair, hurting and bothersome like a pebble in the shoe. It places the two in an unstable climate of cold war with the possibility of an imminent conflict always likely to erupt.
To forgive and to forget
Oftentimes we hear the expression that the one who has not forgotten has not forgiven. In a way it is true if by not forgetting it means that we are still resentful and still holding a grudge. Does this mean that in order to really forgive, we have to have an amnesia of our past or have a sort of selective Alzheimer?
The answer lies in the different ways of remembering the offense; first, a forgiven offense comes less frequently to mind than an unforgiven one; second, a forgiven offense when it does come to mind does not generate the negative feelings it previously used to do, it acts now like a deactivated virus. It does not have the ability to evoke anger, hatred or resentment in the offended towards the offender. On the other hand, an unforgiven offense comes to mind often and every time it does, it makes the hatred and resentment grow in intensity.
The ball is in your court
“A thief believes that everyone is a thief” – Most offenders project their personality and capability over the ones they have offended and do not apologize because they are afraid of not being forgiven. Since the offense brings pain to both parties, and chains both to the past, each one should be made responsible for his own part in the conflict, and do what is expected of him to resolve it without being calculative about what the other one is doing to help the cause.
Our enemies are not those who hate us but rather those whom we hate – Most of the time the offended stops being angry at us the moment we ask for forgiveness and the relation is restored and oftentimes the friendship even grows deeper.
I know my offense, and recognize where I have failed like the prodigal son. I make the first move to apologize to the one I have offended. If that person forgives me then all is fine, but even if I am not forgiven, it is still equally okay; the ball is now in his court even if he refuses to forgive me; the stress, the anxiety and the remorse from the guilt that used to surround me disappears from my mind and heart because I have unloaded it and freed myself of it by doing what was required of me and what was within my reach. I cannot force the other person to forgive me; if he decides to stay in the past then he will be there alone without me.
To ask for forgiveness is not humiliating
For all who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted. (Lk. 14:11) – Whoever admits his mistake and apologizes in a way is humbling himself, but this humility will surely lead to exaltation. However, whoever does not admit his mistake and does not apologize is acting out of pride, self-exaltation and arrogance which will surely lead to humiliation.
Oftentimes what prevent us from asking for forgiveness is the fear of being humiliated by the person we have offended, but in reality when we humble ourselves by apologizing for our offense we are placed in better light in the eyes of the person we offended. On the other hand, when we do not admit to our mistakes and do not apologize we might feel good within the walls of our pride and arrogance, but in reality we look pathetic and are downgraded in the eyes of the person to whom we owe an apology. If we manage to put aside our natural feelings and embrace the reality, we will all be better off, more in peace and in harmony with both God and our neighbours.
Fr. Jorge Amaro, IMC
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